w 







V 



WHY SMIIH LEFT MM 



Bit Original dfarce in Ubvcc Hcts 






GEORGE H. BROADHURST 



Copyright, 1912, nv Broadhursi- Brothkr^ 



CAUTION.—All persons are hereby warned that "Why Smith 
IVeft Home," being fully protected under the copyright 
laws of the United States, is subject to royalty, and any- 
one presenting the play without the consent of the author 
or their authorized agent, will be liable to the penalties by 
law provided. Application for stage rights must be made 
to Samuel French, 28-30 West 38th Street, New York. 



^LL RIGHTS RESERVED 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH \ 
publishers 
-30 WEST 38TH STREET 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Lin. 

26 Southampton Street 

STRAND V 



# 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 



CAST OP CHAEACTEES. 

John Smith. .Who loves his wife and lives in New 

York 

Gen. Billetdoux His wife's second hushand 

Count Von Guggenheim .... W/io made them twisted 

Major Duncombe With memories of last night 

Eobert Walton Mrs. Smith's brother 

Mrs. John Smith. .Who loves her hushand, no matter 

where he lives 

Miss Smith A lady in waiting 

Mrs. Billetdoux Mrs. Smith's aunt 

EosE Walton Egbert's hride of a day 

Julia Touchingly clever 

Elsie A maid 

Lavinia Daly Who is a lady and knows it 

Place. — Home of John Smith. 

Time. — Present. 

Act 1st. Morning. 



Act 2nd. Afternoon. 
Act 3rd. Evening. 



.c ni n 2Sidad 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 



PEOPERTIES. 

Telegram in sealed telegraph envelope. 

Silver Salver. 

Two tap hells. 

One large hall hell. 

Cake (Wood) one large piece, two slices. 

Plate {China) for cake. 

Card case. 

Visiting cards with tissue paper. 

Newspaper. 

Large extra long hread hnife. 

Prop, money marked $100. — c. 

Small personal check hook. 

Tray cloths. 

Napkins. 

Two sets salts and peppers. 

Three knives. 

Three forks. 

Three large tahle spoons. 

Five plates. 

Two glasses. 

Cigar. 

Large long ''horse" pistol with loud doiihle cock 
action hammer. 

Four hooks. 

Red Mask. 

Crown. 

Two large Stars for hair. 

Envelope with tetter enclosed addressed to Mrs. 
Smith. 

Envelope with notice enclosed for Lavinia. 



WHY SxMITH LEFT HOME. 



COSTUMES. 

S-\'iTiT. j^ct I. Light business suit. Act II. 
Dark business suit. Act Til. Evening' dress and 
overcoat. 

Gen. B. Act I. Light check sack suit. Act II. 
Frock coat, light trousers. Act III. Evening dress. 

Count. Act II. Light suit. Act III. Evening 
dress.. 

Major. Act I. Erock coat, light trousers. Act II. 
Same. Act III. Evening dress. 

PoB. Act. I. Militarv undress or fatigue coat 
and duck trousers. Act II. Same. Act III. Even- 
ing dress. 

Mrs. S. Act I. ]\rorning gown. Act II. After- 
noon gown. Act III. Evening gown and handsome 
wrap. Fancy costume, very Frenchy. 

]\riss S. Act I. Morning gown. Act II.. After- 
noon gown. Act III. Evening gown. 

Mrs. B. Act I. Traveling dress. Act 11. After- 
noon gown. Act III. Evening gown and handsome 
wrap. Masquerade dress same as Julia's. 

B.OSE. Act I. Traveling dress. Act II. After- 
noon dress. Act III. Evening dress and Masquerade 
dress. 

JuLTA Act I. Maid's dress, black. Handsome 
gown given her by Mrs. Smith. Act 11. Maid's 
dress, black. Act III. Same. Also Masquerade 
dress same as Mrs Billetdoux. 

Elisie. Act I. Plaid's dress. Gray. Act 11. 
Same. Act ILL Same. Also Masquerade dress. 

Lavinia. Act. I. Plainly gingham of eccentric 
pattern with deep starched collar and green tie. Act 
II. Sarnie. Act III. Same. Also Masquerade dress 
representing royal robe of state. Cloak and train, etc. 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 



CHARACTERS. 

S]\riTH, Prosperous American Inisiness man of 
about forty. Good humored. 

Gen. B. Dapper little Frenchman of ahout fifty. 
Gallic in maimer, precise in dress. 

Count Yon G. German, ahout thirty-five. Very 
nervous in actions and intense in speech and manner. 

Major D. Gruff old soldier of fifty-five. 

Bob. Youngster of twenty-one. Boyish in appear- 
ance and manner. 

Mrs. S. Handsome young woman of twenty-five. 

Miss S. A maiden lady of forty-two. Don't make 
her a caricature. 

Mrs. B. Portly woman of fifty. Overhearing in 
manner. 

Rose, Good-looking girl of ahout twenty. 

Julia. Handsome girl of twenty-two. Demure of 
speech and manner. Uses her eyes effectively. 

Elsie. Ahout tiuenty. Somewhat pert. 

Lavinia. a?! Irish womMn of ahout thirty-five. 
Dialogue will indicate her characteristics. 



-ir 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME; 



ACT I. 



Scene :—J/i^^s/c at rise. Lively. A room Jiand- 
somely furnished, in the home of John Smith. 
At rise of curtain, Mrs. Smith enters r. 3 
v'ith photograph aU)um in her hand, places it 
on table up c, sits right of taUe looking a\ 
photograph album. ^ 

Mrs. S. Here it is. 

(Enter Miss Smith l. 2.) 

Miss S. (l. c.) Ah ! You said that he wouldn't, 
I knew he would. The Major— he proposed last 
nia^ht. 

Mrs. S. (sitting c. r.) An offer of marriage 
doesn't come every day to a woman of your age. 

Miss S. My age, indeed ! Because your young 
face attracted the attention of my brother, and 
vou were lucky enough to catch him. (Down l.) 

Mrs. S. (c. rising) Lucky! Catch! To hear 
you talk one would think I lured your brother 
into marrying me. (Coming down stage c.) In- 
stead of which I refused him three times, as you 
very well know. 

Miss S. (l., goes to Mrs. Smith) Only to 
accept him the fourth because he secured a con- 
tract for a government building, and so was sure 
to make another million. 

7 



8 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

Mrs. S. Do you intimate that T married my 
husband for money? 

Miss Smith, (c.) Do tou insinuate that you 
married him for love? You may be able to make 
him belieye rliat, but me — Oli no! :My brotlier 
isn't exactly handsome. 

Mrs. S. (c.) True. Beauty doesn't run in 
your family. 

Miss S. (l.) He is not yery young. 

Mrs. S. True again. Tliough beauty doesn't, 
age does. 

Miss S. (l.) You think because i am thirty- 
two ! 

Mrs. S. Forty-two. 

Miss S. (l. cor.) Thirty-two. 

Mrs. S. Forty-two. 

{GouKj to table c. for alhiun.) 

This is the family album. 

{Coming down to ^Iiss S. hack of tahlci) 

I found it this morning, and was prepared for 
the emergency. {Pointing to record in album.) 

Miss S. (l. c. pointing to album) That figure 
is false. 

Mrs. S. If it is, it's not the only false figure 
about you. {Closing album and -returning to 
table up c.) 

Miss S. You imagine I cannot inspire devotion 
because I am no longer a child ! 

Mrs. S. (r.) {Coming doiV)i r.) "Child" is 
good. 

Miss S. (l. c.) But, did you notice how the 
Count Von Guggenheim stared at me on the 
street yesterday afternoon? 

Mrs. S. {At chair r.) Stared! At you! 
{laughs) Now that is really funny. 

Miss S. Funny! 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 9 

^'^RS. t^. Yes, YOU forget / was with you. 

Miss S. Do you mean to say lie was looking at 
you? 

Mrs. S. (c.) Stranger things liave happened. 

Miss S. Yoii may think he was. I know better. 

Mrs. S. (r.) And I would not undeceive you 
for the world. 

(Mrs. S. crosses to c.) 

(Mrs. and Miss Smith ad lib. until Smith's 
entrance.) 

Smith. {OiUside) At it again. 

(Enter Smith r. 3, hoth go to meet Jiim.) 



Miss S. Your wife ) has been saying 

Mrs. S. l^our sister ) that I ! 

Smith, (c.) Stop it, stop it! 

(Mrs. and Miss S. stop.) 

(Coming down stage c.) 

I know which is wrong. 
Mrs. S. and Miss S. Which? 

(Both ladies point at each other.) 
Smith. Both. 

(An indignant look from loth of the ladies. Mrs. 
S. goes to piano r. and Miss S. to l.) 

What's the fuss about anyway? Is it simpiy 
the four hundred and thirteenth chapter of the 
old one, or the beginning of another? 

(Turn R., looking at Mrs. S.) 

Miss S. (l. c.) I came here to tell your wife 
that the Major proposed to me last night, and 



10 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

(Miss *V. niaJces gesture, extending r. hand.) 

S^.riTH. (r. Tnrn quieJclij, eatcJi Miss S. hand 
—shal-e) At last, at last! (Bael: to c.) I'd 
begun to think I'd saorifice a month's comfort 
for nothing. 

Miss S. (l. c.) What do yon mean? 

Smith, (c.) Why do yon suppose I invited 
the Major to spend this month here? Because I 
was yearning for his society? Not much. I 
Avanted to give you one long, last lingering fare- 
well chance at him. 

Miss S. (l. c.) Chance at him I 

Smith, (c.) Exactly. He'd never have joined 
the army if you hadn't refused him twenty years 
ago. 

Mrs. S. (eoming to haeJc of ann-ehair r.) Yes. 
Twenty yeai^ ago when you were only twelve 
years old. Oh, T don't know. (Putting hand to 
faee, JooJcing through fingers.) 

Smith, (c.) And as I thought he might still 
be foolish enough to ! 

Miss S. (c. l.) Then it was a deliberate plan 
to ^et rid of me? 

Smith, (c.) Not so much that as a plan to 
get a few days' peace and quiet in my own home 
with my own wife. (Mrs. S. crosses c. to Smith, 
theg emhrace) We have been married for six 
months, I couldn't go on a honeymoon because 
of business, and I'll be hanged if somebody hasn't 
been camping out here since the day of the wed- 
ding. 



'&• 



(Mrs. S. sits in arm-chair r.) 

Miss S. (l. c.) I'll see that' I don't "camp 
out" here much longer {going to door l.) 

Smith, (c. crossing to chair r.) I don't want 
to hurry you, Juliette. This is Saturday. Now^ 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. H 

when the Major ai^ks you to name the day, if 

you-11 say next Monday ! 

Miss S. (Crosses l.) I'll go. I'll go. But perhaps 
the knowledge of this little scheme may have an 
effect you did not count on. I did not accept the 
Major but agreed to give him his answer to-day. 
I intended to say " yes ", now I shall probably 
say " no ■ '. 

{E.rif Miss S.ahth l. 1, slams door.) 

Mrs. S. {rising) If she should say ''no." 
Smith, i crosses to Mrs. S. at chair r.) Don't 
you worry about that. If the Major lives till she 
refuses him the second time, he'll be a gold mine 
for the life insurance companies. 

(Mrs. S. sits in chair r., Saiith sits on arm of 
chair with arm around Mrs. Smith's neck.) 

And do you know, my dear, I've always regret- 
ted not taking that honeymoon trip. If I hadn't 
had such unusually important contracts on hand, 
we certainly would have done so. 

Mrs. S. (r.) I know we would, you dear old 
fellow, so there, don't say anything more about it. 

(Smith affectionately caresses Mrs. S.) 

Smith. We'll take a substitute for it some day, 
however, just as soon as business is dull enough, 
and it's getting quieter every day. We'll go next 
week if you say so? 

Mrs. S. No, John. When Juliette has gone, 
we'll have our home all to ourselves, and that is 
just what I've been longing for. 

Smith. I've been troubled with the same long- 
ing. Wby can't people have some consideration ? 
It seems to me that every relative of yours 1 

Mrs. S- [loarmngly) Ah, ah, ah! 



12 WH\^ SMITH LEFT HOME. 

Smith. And mine too — has put in an appear- 
ance here since we started housekeeping. 

Mrs. S. Not all of mine, John. Brother Bob 
and Aunt Mary at least haven't been here. 

Smith. That's so. Although I've never had 
the pleasure of meeting that brother of vours, 
I would make him welcome for your sake. But 
Aunt Mary I Aunt Mary ! (Smith crossing to c.) 
It only needs her presence to fill my cup of 
haijpiness to overflowing. 

Mrs. S. {rising crosses to Smith l. c.) I'm 
so sorry you two can't get along together, I know 
she is a little aggressive, but remember how good 
she has been to Bob and me. She's taken care of 
us both since w^e were only so high [snaking 
motion tvith hand), and just think what Bob's 
education alone is costing her. 

Smith (l. c.) I admire your aunt's good 
qualities, and am very grateful for all she has 

done for you, but her disposition and mine 1 

well, instead of fitting together so {interlacing 
fingers), they run against each other like this 
{rapidly 2:^lacing tips of thiimhs and fingers to- 
gether) . Now, when that is the case, the persons 
concerned had better keep apart or there'll be 
trouble. 

Mrs. S. {crossing to arm chair r.) I hope 
there'll never be any trouble between you two. 

Smith (l. c.) I'm sure there won't — unless she 
comes here looking for it. 

(Elsie enters r. 3.) 

Elsie. Telegram for jou, sir. 
Smith, {tailing telegram) For me? 
Elsie. Yes, sir. 

(Elsie exits r. 3.) 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 13 

Smith. All my messages sliould go to the 
office. [fearing end of envelope and reading 
message) Why, it's for you, dear, (giring tele- 
giain to Mrs. Smith.) 

Mrs. S. {crosses l.) Is it? 

Smith, {up r. c.) That girl has got to be 
more careful. 

Mrs. S. From whom can it be. 

Smith. ( ///> at door r. 3) Elsie I Elsie I 

{Elsie appears at door. Smith talks to her in 
diinil) slioic.) 

Mrs. S. [reading) "Will see 3^ou at twelve. 
Am coming with the General for a nice, long 
visit. Aunt Marv." Auni Mary coming here with 
the General, and John in this frame of mind! 

(Elsie exits r. 3, quick, jerkily.) 

Smith, (r. chair) {comiiig doivn and sitting 
in cliair r.) She won't do that again. Anything 
important, dear ? 

Mrs. S. Oh no ! no indeed I It's from brother 
Bob. He says he has been chosen quarter-back 
on the baseball team. [conceals telegram in 
sleeve of dress) 

Smith. Quarterback on the baseball team? 

Mrs. S. Yes. 

Smith. I su})}jose next year he'll be first base 
on the football team. 

Mrs. S. {doubtfully) Oh— yes— 

Smith. And he wires you about it? 

Mrs. S. (crossing hack of chair) Yes, he 
always wires me about such matters. He knows 
how interested I am in his studies and things. 
[Crosses hack of chair.) Very considerate of him, 
don't you think so, dear? 

Smith. Very. But as we were saying, a newly 
married couple ought to have their home com- 
pletely to themselves. Eh, sweetheart? 



14 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

Mrs. S. (r.) Yes, John. Of course, as a gen- 
eral rule, but don't you think there could be an 
exception ? 

Smith. Exception? 

Mrs. S. Just as a matter of argument, you 
know. 

Smith, (r.) No! This is the rule to which I 
can see no exception, especially in our case, and 
when eTuliette has gone, we'll be just as happY as 
birds in the Springtime. Auy man who couldn't 
be contented with a wife like you and a nice, 
quiet home ought to ! 

(Larinia outside R. 1. laughs loudly. Smith listens 
icith evident e-rasperation, then he looks at 
Mrs. S. tcho has been ivatching him with 
symptoms of distress. 

(Both rising and looking at each other.) 

Smith. Who is that? 

Mrs. S. The new cook. 

Smith. Great Scott, another? 

^Irs. S. Yes, dear. 

(Smith crosses hack of chair ringing hell on tal)le. 
Elsie enters r. 3. Smith crossing hack to c.) 

Smith. (r. c.) Tell that cook — {to Mrs. 
Smith) By the way, what's her name? 

Mrs. S. (r.) LaYinia, dear. 

Smith, (c. to Elsie) You tell LaYinia, dear, 
to be a little more confidential with that laugh 
of hers. I don't like her Yoice. 

{Crossing to Mrs. S. r., Elsie exits r. 3.) 

As I was saying, my dear, we'll have our home 
all to oursehes and then ! 

Lavinia {outside r.) He don't like me Yoice, 
eh? Well, you just tell him for me that if he 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 15 

don't like it, he'd better live in another part of 
the honse. 

Smith, (crossing c.) I'd better live in another 
])art of the house. 

(Elsie re-enters r.) 

P^LSiE. She said that if von didn't like ! 



Smith. (r. c.) I know what she said. 

(Smith motions Elsie off — starts to 7'nsh off r. 2. 
Mrs. S. intercepts him. Elsie exits r. 3.) 

Mrs. S. She was only joking. I conld tell it by 
her tone. 

Smitpi. By her tone. All right, I'll go and 
apologize in a tone just like it. 

(Smith starts again, Mrs. S. stops Mm., placing 
'both hands on his 'breast.) 

Mrs. S. (r.) John — please, please let the mat- 
ter drop as a favor to me. 

Smith. Yes, but I ! 

Mrs. S. I understand, dear. But she came only 
this morning, and hasn't got accustomed to our 
ways. 

Smith. (crosses to l. c.) Evidently she 
hasn't. 

Mrs. S. (r.) She comes most highly recom- 
mended, especially as a fancy cook, and this 
morning when I was in the kitchen {crosses to 
small table at r.) she was making what promised 
to be a most delicious cake (taking the plate with 
the cake on it) and here it is. 

(Grossing to r. c. showing Smith the cake.) 

Smith, (c.) That does look good. 
Mrs. S. (r. c.) Try a piece. 
Smith. Oh, I hardly think I ! 



k; why smith left home. 

Mrs. S. Just one. You know how fond you are 
of it. 

(8:mith takes piece of cake. Mrs. S. looks on 
smiling. Smith tries to hite it, l)iit fails. 
He looks at Mrs. ^ mitu tohose expression 
changes to one of (lis mag. 

Smith. Say, dearie, isn't there a little hammer 
li'oes with this, (^^mith tries again. Same result. 
Then taps the plate with the piece of .cake.) If 
this is the work of a cook who comes highly rec- 
ommended, please engage one who has a diploma 
for incompetency. Discharge her, my dear, dis- 
charge her. 

( Hands cake to Mrs. S. Crosses and sits in chair 
R. of table.) 

Mrs. S. {passing dehind chair, putting plate 
of cake on taJ)le) If I did, T could not get an- 
other in town and I need one to-day especially. 

(Crosses to c.) 

Smtph. (l.) Why to-day more than any 
other? 

Mrs. S. (going to r. c.) Don't you see if Aunt 
1 Well, I need one to-day, that's all. 

Smith, (rising comes to c.) But why to-day 
more than any other? 

(Mrs. Smith stands at chair r., facing r., hack 
to Smith; she takes telegram from sleeve, 
looks at it with an expression of comical dis- 
may, looks at Smith, tnrns aicay her head, 
then timidly hands it to Smith icith a hack- 
tcard motion. Smith takes it between tlmml) 
and finger of n. hand and in a very gingerly 
manner.) 

What has 3^our quarterback brother to do with 

the cook? 



AVHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 17 

MpvS. S. (r. c.) It isn't from my brother. 

Smith. (Reads, with an expyession of great 
dismay, gasps, almost a scream, hard to breathe 
'• Aunt Mary — General — long visit." (Folds tele- 
gram, returns it to Mrs. S. kisses her, starts 
ahriiptly for c.) Good-bye. 

Mrs. S. (c.) Where are you going? 

Smith, (up l. 3, turns) I haven't decided 
whether it will be Goldfield or San Leandro. 

Mrs. S. Do be sensible. 

Smith, (coming dotvn c. excitedly) So I got 
rid of my sister, only to have your aunt and her 
second husband swoop down on us, do I? But 
they shan't stay. I'll refuse to pay the gas bills 
and have the gas turned off. I'll go out and catch 
scarlet fever ! I'll discharge all the servants, the 

maids, the cook 1 Great Scott I Cook and 

mother-in-law the same day. 

(Sits at R. of table l.) 

INIrs. S. (r.) But she is not your mother-in- 
law. She is my aunt. 

{Goes to piano; sits, doesn^t play.) 

Smith. She may be an aunt by nature, but she 
is a mother-in-law by instinct I Why, the cook 
alone is enough to make any man leave home. 

{Strikes table forcihly, sees cake; the idea of 
driving away Aunt Mary icith the work of 
the cook st7'ikes him.) 

By jove, there's an idea — Aunt Mary — the 
cook — I'll feed Aunt Mary — 

{His expression changes to one of triumph. Rises. 

Goes up c. with a swagger air, then with 

assumed regret) — 
Marion, I've been wrong. I haven't looked at 



18 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

lliis jilfaii- in a sensible li<>ht. Perhaps vonrannt 
jind T can get al()n«^ nicely afl^er all. 

Mrs. S. (r. r. (huh f f till u) Yes. 

Smith, (doirn c. Comiuff doicn to ;Mrs. S.) 
Yes— oh, yes! — now that I am calm. I see that 
it would be unkind of me to refuse to receive her. 

(As he comes doicn, makes motion indicating 
cake on taMe.) 

Mrs. S. (r. r.) But why this sudden change 
of heart? 

Smith. It isn't a change of heart. It's a 
change of — of — I 

Mrs. S. Plan? 

Smith. Xo. no, my dear. She has been so 
good to you that the slightest return I can make 
5s to let her come and stay as long as she can 
stand it. (Mrs. Siviith looks at him) I mean as 
long as she pleases. 

Mrs. S. Really? 

Smith. Really. 

Mrs. S. (r. c.) Thank you, John, thank you. 

Smith. Not at all, not at all. But about the 
cook. Some one must reason with her, and as I 
know you don't wish to do it, send her here to me. 

Mrs. S. (r. c.) Please don't say anything to 
offend her. 

Smith, (c) I'll pour balm on her wounded 
feelings. 

Mrs. S. {going r.) I'm a little bit doubtful. 

Smith, [follotmng Mrs. S. to r) You needn't 
be, my dear. 

(Irish ai7' pp.) 
Mrs. S. Well, we'll see. 

{Exit Mrs. S. r. 3, e.) 
Smith, {sitting in chair r.) Coming to pay a 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 19 

nice, long visit, are they? Well, I guess not, if 
this court knows itself, and it thinks it does. 

\L(ir'niia entering r. 2, passes hack of chmr, 
touches Smith o)) shoulder, goes c. and stands 
waiting. Smith looks at her in astonish- 
ment. 

Well, who arc you? 

\ Lavinia reaches into her pocket, produces a hand- 
some card case, takes out card, hlows tissue 
paper from it. and hands card to Smith. 

Lavinia. (r. c.) My card. 

Smith. {taking card and reading): "Lav- 
inia Daly, secretary of the Cook Ladies' Union 
and Queen of the Housemaids' Society of Hol- 
land Dames." 

Lavinia. (c.) Yours truly, [hotcing) 

Smith, (rising, howing to her) Your Majesty. 
(sits) Let me get this straight— as I under- 
stand it. Y^ou are the cook. 

Lavinia. Cook lady, if you please. There is 
no longer any plain cooks. 

Smith. What I want to know is this: are you 
the individual who perpetrated that {pointing to 
cake) 

Lavinia. (looks at cake on tahle and hack at 
Smith) I cooked it— if that's what you mean? 

Smith. Well, what is it? 

Lavinia. That is a piece of angel cake. Did 
you think it was an oyster stew? 

Smith. No, oh, no ! I thought that perhaps it 
was a small oblong section of the new cement 
pavement they're laying outside, 
w Lavinia. (crosses l.) Now, don't get gay I 
Don't get gay! If you do, I'll put the Cook 
Ladies' Union on to you. {crossing r.) 

Smith, The what? 



2a WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

Lavixia. The Cook Ladies' rnion ! Oli, ns 
cooks is organized and ready for a strike at any 
minute, (crossing to c.) 

Smith. Your strike wouldn't bother me. My 
wife could do her own cooking if she had to. 

Lavinia. And if she did, she Avould have to do 
everything else as Avell. The rest of the house 
workin' ladies wouldn't work with a scab. 

Smith. Scab I 

Lavixia. It's agin' the rules of the Union. 

Smith. But this is our own house. 

Lavixia. If we cook ladies can't win our strike 
we calls the other house-workin' ladies. If that 
don't settle it, we calls out the Ice Wagon Drivers' 
Brotherhood, and then when you're all sick from 
home-made cookin' and can't get no ice, we calls 
out the Society of Registered Drug Clerks; you 
can't get your prescriptions filled and we have 
you bloated capitalists cinched to a standstill. 
Only wait till we get started, we'll make things 
hum. (goes r.) 

Smith. (crossing to tabic) Yes, I should 
imagine you would. But listen to me. 

{Taking piece of cake from plate, on tahle c, 
meeting Lavixia c.) 

This is pretty good, bad cooking, I admit, but 
what I want to know is, can you do bad cooking 
any worse? 

Lavixia. (r. c.) What are you drivin' at? 

Smith, (c.) Simply this. My wife's aunt 
begins an indefinite visit here to-day, but if you 
can only keep on like this, in three days she'll 
either die of dyspepsia or be compelled to 
leave the house. Do you catch the idea? 

Lavixia. (r. c.) Do I catch the idea? Do I 
catch? Well, I should say I do. And you couldn't 
get a better lady to help you if you searched the 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 21 

country over. Why, when I half tries, I can cook 
the tenderest beefsteak till you couldn't tell it 
from the under side of a leather trunk. 

Smith. Good I (loodl {crosses l. and puts 
cake on plate ) 

Lavinia. And when I g^et down to business, 1 
can take a young spring chicken and make you 
swear it was the grandfather of the identical bird 
that went into the ark vrith Moses, (down r.) 

Smith, (c.) Then there can be no mistake. 
You are the woman \e.rcJamation from Lavinia, 
"irhat?'- Smith hoiring) the lady, 1 beg your 
]uirdon, the lady, I want. 

Lavinia. (coming to Smith c.) What is there 
in it? 

Smith. If she leaves the first day, I'll give 
you a hundred dollars, if the second, seventy-five, 
the third fifty. You see, I make an inducement 
for you to do good bad work. Are you game? 

Lavinia. But if she dies? 

SiiiTH. Under those circumstances, I suppose 
you'd be entitled to a pension for life. 

Lavinia. {taking Smith's hand) It's a go. 
The terms are liberal, and I accepts 'em; I'll start 
right at the next meal, and remember, you can't 
lose, you can't lose, the Secretary of the Cook 
Ladies' Union is with you. 

(Lavinia exits R. 2.) 

Smith, (going to l. of table to chair, and sits 
in it) And now. Auntie, I think I'm ready for 
you . I think I'll be able to 

(Miis. S. enters r. e. on tiptoes, looking after 
Lavinia, off r. e., speaking as she comes 
dotvn to Smith. 

Mrs. S. (r. c.) Did you arrange everything 
amicably with the cook, John? 



22 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

Smith. We came to a perfect understanding-. 

Mrs. S. {getting hehind Smith's chair, puts 
her arms about his neck) T am glad of that. And 
now, my dear, there's another thing I must speak 
about. 

Smith. All right, dearie, what is it? 

Mrs. S. I need some money for new clothes. 

S:mith. (looking at her) I thought you prom- 
ised me- 1 

Mrs. S. (l. c.) I did, John, I did. But styles 
change so quickly and dresses soil so easily. 

Smith, {impatiently) But those you have are 
all right That union-made — I mean tailor-made 
dress for instance, is just as good as new. {de- 
scrihes dress) 

Mrs. S. {petulantly) That! Oh, no I It's 
badly soiled. I'll send for it and show jou. 

(Mrs. S. ri}i<is hell on tahle r. Elsie enters r. 3.) 
{To Elsie.) 

Ask Julia for my tailormade dress {describes 
dress) and bring it to me here. 

(Elsie exits r. 3.) 

Now, my dear, you'll soon see that I could not 
possibly wear it again! {crossing to c.) 

Smith. I hate to refuse you anything, Marion, 
but there is a limit, you know, and you've been 
playing prett}- close to it. 

(Elsie re-enters irith dress. She gives it to Mrs. 
S. a}id exits r. c.) 

Mrs. S. {showing dress) Do you see that spot, 
sir? 

Smith. Xo, I don't see that spot, sir. 

Mrs. S. {pointing) Why there's a spot, and 
there, and there's a spot. There are spots all over 
the dress. . 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 23 

Smith. There isn't a spot on it. 

Mrs. S. Oh ! John ! 

S:mith. (lising) Mr dear, I'm afraid your 
eyes are getting full of polka dots. The dress is 
just as good as new and with the prospect of two 
others of your family coming here, I've no money 
to spare! (Exits l. 2) 

Mrs. ?n. (crosses to chair r. and pats dress on 
it) Well, I declare, the first really cross words 
John ever said to me. 

(Enter Bob l. 3.) 

Bob. (calling in whisper) Marion! 
Mrs. S. Bob! 

(BotJi come c. and emhrace tcith animation.) 

^Irs. S. This is a surprise! How well you are 
looking, too. 

Bob. (c.) I can say the same for you. 

Mrs. S. (c.) I'm just delighted. (lands Bob 
down c.) But see here, young man, what are 
you doing here? (with moch severity) 

Bob. (emharrassed) Well, you see — you see — 

Mrs. S. What are you doing here? 

Bob. Oh, you might as well get it all at once. 

(Goes up to R. c. entrance, brings Rose in and 
down c.) 

Marion, this is my wife. 

Cross Rose c. 
Cross Mrs. S. r. Cross Bob l. 

Mrs. S. (r. c.) Your wife! 
Rose, (nodding head) (c.) M! — M! — 
Bob. (l. c.) I was married this morning, and 
knowing what a dear, good sister you are — well, 
we've come to spend the honeymoon with you. 
Clever scheme, don't you think so? 



24 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

Mrs. S. (h. r. ) Yes. T think it extremely 
clever. 

]?0B. Aren't you goin<i^ to congratulate me? 

(P(fss Rose to Mrs. S.) 

Mrs. S. Of course I am igoinc/ to Rose and 
f^lialdnx) hands) and I wish you lots of happi- 
ness from the bottom of my heart. (Jx'isses Rose) 

Rose. Thank you. 

Bop,. { going to Rose) Didn't I tell you she'd 
stand by us? 

Mrs. S. (aside) What am I to do with them? 

Rose, (to ^Irs. S.) It's very good of you. I — 
T was rather doubtful as to what you'd think of 
me, 

Mrs. R. (going to Rose) I think you are 
simply charming {looking across at Bob) and 
that Bob is more lucky than he deserves. (Cross- 
ing 1)0 fix to R. c.) But it seems so sudden. How 
did it come about? 

Bob. Rose was a dancer with the Metropoli- 
tan Opera Company. 

Mrs. S. (down r.) A dancer I 

Rose. And singer. 

Bob. (c.) They stranded in Navysville. 
(Taking stage i.) The boys got up a benefit per- 
formance for them, Rose and I met; it was love 
at first sight; we were married this morning. 

(Going to c. to Rose. Taking her hmid.) 

Mrs. S. Bob, I'd do anything possible for you — 
and for Rose — but spending the honeymoon here 
is simply out of the question. 

{Taking stage r.) 

Bob. (c.) But why is it out of the question? 
Mrs. S. My husband, you've never met him, 
have you? 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 25 

{Going to Bob. Rose crosses r.) 

Bob No nor Aunty's new husband, the Gen- 
eral either. Funny thing both of you getting 
married while I was in the Mediterranean. 

Mrs S John and I have not had a day alone 
since our wedding. We thought the opportunity 
was coming to-day when a telegram from Auntie 
arrived saying she and the General would be here 
at twelve o'clock. 

Bob. (l. c.) Aunt coming here? 

Mrs. S. Yes. 

Bob. By Jove, she mustn't see me. 

{Crossing to Rose r.) 
Mrs. S. This has incensed John very much 
and vou can imagine how he would feel if you 
two 'were here as well, {indicating Bob and 
RosF ^ 

Bob (r. c.) And I don't blame him. Four 
of us and all unexpected— a regular invasion. 

Rose. But what are we to do? 

Bob. (c.) Go to a hotel, Marion will let me 
have some money. 

Mrs. S. But T haven't any. I spent my last 

cent yesterday. . , • ^ 

Bob. And I spent mine this morning, {going 

II Tt C \ 

Mrs S {meeting Rose and taking her down 
R \taqe) There, don't worry. We will arrange 
it somehow. I'll have to invent something for 

John until things become smooth, and then 

(Smith re-enters l. 2.) 

Smith. Marion, dear, I'm sorry 

{^ees Bob and Rose. Stops.) 
Mrs. S. {laughs nervously— crosses hurriedly 
to Smith, takes him hy lapels of coat) John— 



26 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

guess who it is. Have jon guessed? No? — well, 
guess- again, {striking him with both hands on 
hreast) John, tliis is my new music master, {in- 
(Ueating Bob) 

Hmitii. He does look very new. (l.) 
^.Irs. S. ( l. c.) I was so dissatisfied with my 
progress under the old one and Mr. — — no, I 
mean Signor Damiono, has a method which is 
recommended vei'y highly. 

Bob. (l. c.) Si, Senor, I have a wonderfulla 
method. In sixa lesson you learna da wholla 
business. (Bob botes) 

(Smith looks at Mrs. S.) 

Smith, (c.) Of course. 

{Going to Bob and then motioning at buttons on 
trousers.) 

Mrs. S. (l. c.) That? Oh, that is his band 
uniform. 

Smith. Who is the girl? 

Mrs. S. {laughing, embarrassed) The girl^ 
oh, yes, the girl, {with relief) She? Why, 
couldn't you tell by looking at her? She's his 
sister. 

Smith, (c.) Oh, yes, I might have known it, 
they look so much alike, {crossing to l. 1) [Re- 
tnrning) And does she teach music, too. 

Mrs. S. No, she's a dancer. 

SiiiTH. {crossing to r. c, bracing himself up 
and indicating pleasure , etc. To Rose) So you 
are a dancer? (Rose embarrassed) 

{As Smith crosses to Rose, Mrs. S. moves up to 
c. Calls Bob, who meets her,) 

Cross Bob. 

Cross Rose. Cross Mrs. S. 

Cross Smith. 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 27 

(KosE looks at Mrs. S. and Rob, wIw Ui panto- 
mime tell her not to speak.) 

Smith. We shall be glad to entertain yon— I 

beg your pardon, I'm owner here. 

(Rose looks at Smith then haek to Mrs. S. and 
Bob, who again pantomime to her not to 
speak.) 

As I was saying — 

(Rose stamj^s foot and shakes head with annoy- 
ance, putting hands wp to save her temper. 
Smith struts away in alarm to l. c. Bob 
goes to Rose.) 
Smith, (c.) What's the matter, dear— when 

I speak to her she — (imitates Rose's hus) Is she 

Mrs. S. (l. c.) Of course not. But she doesn t 
understand English, (showing relief) 

Smith, (c.) No? 

Mrs. S. (l. c.) Not a word! 

Bob. (r. c.) No, Signor. She no speaka da 
English. But as a danca— ah, she shalla show 
von. (aside to Rose) Do a step or two. (Rose 
dances a few steps to c, ending wi/th throwing a 
kiss to Smith) 

Smith, (c.) (applaiiding) Splendid! (do a 
step, to Mrs. S.) Take all the lessons you want. 

Mrs. S. But they cost five dollars. 

Smith. Cheap enough. Take a bunch of 'em I 
(applause again) 

Mrs. S. In advance, dear, in advance! 

Smith, (c.) In advance, (to Bob) you want 
pay in advance? 

Bob. (r. c.) Si, Signor, Si! 

Smith, (crossing r. c.) No, I don't see, Signor. 
{going up to r. 3 entrance) Just send in your 
bill at the end of the month. 



28 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

{Exits R. 3.) 
(Mrs. S. drops in chair l.) 

Bob. (c.) That was a narrow escape. 

Mrs. S. (rising, crossing to c.) What am I to 
do with YOU two. It is yerj evident that you've 
got to stay here. 

Bob. (c.) Of course we have, and Aunt 
mustn't see me either till you've broken it to 
her gently. 

Mrs. S. (c.) Then the best thing you can do 
is to come with me. By the way, have you any 
baggage? 

Bob. (r. c.) Yes, at the depot. 

Mrs. S. (crossing r. 3 e.) Then we'll have 
to manage to smuggle it in somehow. 

(Showing Bob and Rose up to r. 3 e.) 

(Enter Julia r. 3.) 

Julia, (to Mrs. S.) Did Madam find the dress 
all right? 

Mrs. S. (waving Bob and Rose off r. u. e., 
exit Bob and Rose; to Julia) Yes, but I shall 
never wear it again, (pointing to dress over back 
of chair r. c.) There it is. Keep it. Do as you 
please with it. 

Julia. You are very kind. 

(Mrs. S. goes off stage r. 3 e.) 

(Elsie enters r. c. 2 e., to Elsie) 

Here's a surprise. The first dress she has ever 
given me. I wonder what makes her so generous 
all at once? 

Elsie, (looking at dress) It's nearly new, 
too. 

Julia, (c.) Of course I don't mind wearing 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 29 

her clothes while she has them in use, but 1 
wonder if it would be good form for me to wear 
them after she has got through with them. This 
is such a good dress, though, I will at least try 
it on. 

(Elsie goes up, Julia drapes slcirt of dress.) 

(Lavinia entering R. 2.) 

L\vixi\. Julia, I think this is going to be the 
best place I struck in a moighty long time, {sit 
in arm chair r.) 

(Elsie goes hack to tahle l.) 

Jt LiA. (c.) And / think it's a very queer 

family. , ., . mi. i 4- 

Elsie. (hack of table) Indeed it is. The last 

time I copied one of Mrs. Smith's hats, I found 

it three weeks behind the style. 

Julia But it was Mr. Smith I was thinking 

of What a peculiar man he is. I've been here 

two tveeks and he hasn't even tried to kiss me 

vet 

^ Lavinia. {in chair) My, my! what a careless 

Julia. I never heard of such a thing. 

Elsie. Nor I. 

Lavinia. Nor I. 

Juli\. It has never gone more than two days 
before. But then until now I've always worked 
in fashionable families. 

L win I A. I wouldn't worry about it, if I were 
you. Most likely he was awfully busy the last 

two weeks. ^ ., tt m 

Julia. Worry! Well, I should say not ! Hell 

come round to it— they all do, in time. 
Lavinia. He hasn't kissed me yet. 

(Bell rings off l. 3.) 



30 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

Elsie, (crossing l. 3) Somebody's in a hiUTy. 

Lavixia. Let them wait. Let tliem wait. Some 
folks think we hoiTse working ladies have noth- 
ing to do but what we're paid for. (hell rings 
again) 

Elsie. T wonder who it can be? 

JuLLv. I expect it's the billet doux. 

{Exit Elsie l. e.) 

Lavinia. (r.) Billet doux! Why, what a 
funny name. 

Julia, (c.) The General is a Frenchman. 

Lavinia. A Frenchman ! A Frenchman! Then 
I want a raise in wages. Cooking for two na- 
tionalities for one salary is agin' the rules o' the 
union, (exits R. 3) 

(Julia waits for Mrs. Billetdoux up r. c.) 

Mrs. B. (outside r. 3) So you've come at last, 
have you, and it's about time. You pay for the 
cab, General, and don't give him more than fifty 
cents. Understand, please, not a cent more. 
(enters r. c) To Julia^ giving hat and lorap) 
Take my things. I'm Mis. Billetdoux. 

(Enter ^[rs. Smith r. 3 e.) 

Mrs. S. (advancing) Auntie! 

(Julia icaJl-s sloiclij towards R. 3 eyeing Mrs. B.) 

Mrs. B. Marion! (Mrs. S. and Mrs. B. 
embrace.) (Julia exits sloioly r. 3) 

(Mrs. B. goes up r. c, looks after her closely, 
conies dotvn to Mrs. S.) 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 31 

\Vlu) ii^ that attractive 3'oimg person? 

Mrs. B. My maid, (c.) 

Mrs. B. Your maid! Discharge her, my dear, 
discharge her immediately! (crosses doioi l., sit 
in chair right of table l.) 

Mrs. S. (c.) Because she is pretty? Oh, no! 

Mrs. B. (c.) Marion, take my advice^ ! 

Mrs. S. I know jnst what you are going to say : 
•' Never throw temptation in your husband's way, 
my dear. He'll get enough without it." Wasn't 
that it? (taJces stage r.) 

^[rs. B. (l.) Exactly. I am glad to see that 
you remember some of my lessons. 

Mrs. S. (r. c.) I remember all of them, but 
some I do not need. According to your theory, it 
is weak of me, I know, but I still love and trust 
my husband. 

Mrs. B. (c.) (rising and crossing to Mrs. S.) 
Trust him, indeed! The trustworthy husband is 
like the sea serpent, he is supposed to exist, but 
doesn't. 

{Noise of quarrel heard outside r. The voice of 
the General is plainly distinguishable.) 

General. Here, take this half dollar, you will 
get no more. (Mrs. S. up to window) 

Mrs. S. (General's voice heard quarreling all 
through Mrs. S.'s speech) That is the General's 
voice? {runs to loindoio c. and looks off c.) 

Mrs. B. Yes, that is the General's voice. 

Mrs. S. {screams) The General and cabman 
are fighting. He has thrown him down. 

Mrs. B. Thrown the General down? {crosses 
to c.) 

General, {outside l.) Y^ou will get no more, 
I tell you. 

Mrs. S. No, the cabman. Now he is going to 



32 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

jump on him. (fnnis aicai/ and then JooJcs out of 
irmdow) No — no, he is only wiping his shoes on 
liis prostrate form. (General speaJiS outside. 
Mrs. B. crosses hack to l.) Ah, now he throws 
him a half dollar. Now, he's coming. Thank 
heaven, he wasn't hurt. (r. c.) (General enters 
R. c. hrushing imagbiary dirt from your coat) 

General, {speaking as he comes c. ) And to 
think that T should have to soil my hands with a 
common cabman, (l. c.) 

Mrs. B. (l. c.) General! General! 

General. Yes, my love. 

Mrs. B. (l. c.) How dare yon quarrel on the 
public street! Don't let it occur again. Next 
time, give the man the half dollar and let him go. 

General, (c.) Zat is what I did zis time, my 
dear. I give zis man ze one dollar but he would 
not go. Instead of zat, he talk back to me in ze 
cabman language — to me, ze brave general! (to 
Mrs. S.) Ah, ma chere, to see you again, it makes 
me so happy. For you are so lofely. Ah, mon 
dieu, so lofely ! 

Mrs. S. (r. c.) Ah, General, you haven't for- 
gotten how to flatter, it's very easy to see that. 

( Smith enters 3 r. coming doicn to Mrs. B. Grats 
her hand and shakes it.) 

Cross General. 

Cross Mrs. S. Cross Mrs. B. 

Cross Smith. 

Smith. Why, Auntie! How do you do? 
I am delighted to see you, simply delighted. 
Have a piece of cake. (r. of table. Offer Mrs. B. 
cake^ tvhich is taken from table c. Mrs. B. looks 
at him scornfully — Smith puts cake hack on 
tahle) (c.) Never saw you look so well. How 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 33 

long are you going to stay — six months, at least! 
I won't hear of a day less, not a single day. Why, 
this morning I was saying to Marion that it only 
needed your pleasure here to fill my cup of happi- 
ness to overflowing. I've simply been yearning 
for this visit from vou. (shaking hands tvith Mrs. 
B.) 

Mrs. B. (l.) I don't believe it. 
IMr. and Mrs. S. Oh, Auntie! (crosses r.) 
Mrs. B. You may be able to deceive your wife 
but you can't pull the wool over my eyes. I know 
you too well to believe a word of what you've just 
said, and so I tell you very plainly that I came 
here simplv to see mv niece, (crosses to Marion 

R.) 

Smith. Good, that lets me out. (to General, 
ivho comes cloicn c. to Smith) Hello, General! 

General. Glad to see you, my boy, glad to see 
you. (General shakes Si^iith's hands effusively) 

Mrs. B. (r. c.) General! General!" (looks 
at him in indignantly) 

General, (looks first at Mrs. B. and then at 
Smith and then withdratrs his hand from Smith) 
How do you do — how do you do — (very coldly) 

Smith. Ha! Ha! She has you under her 
thumb all right. (General goes up stage) 

Mrs. B. (r. c.) That is where your wife ought 
to have you, sir. (crossing to r. h.) 

Smith. (Mrs. S. comes hack of arm chair) 
Perhaps so. But in this little domestic drama I 
am at least a co-star, and the time will never 
come when you will see me simply playing a think- 
ing part, and footing the bills. And that's no 
evanescent dream either, (crossing to c.) 

Crosses General. 

Crosses Mrs. B. Crosses Mrs. S. 

Crosses Smith. 



38 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

{Music P.P. till S-AiiTH kisses Julia^ then sicell 
till curtain. Julta turns and examines dress 
tvith her hack towards l. 2 entrance. Smith 
enters l. e. 2.) 

Smith, {seeing Julia) There's Marion. She 
has on that dress just to conciliate me, and show 
me that I was right. The dear little woman, 1 
must meet her half way. 

(S:^iiTH smiling in anticipation of surprising his 
tcife tip-toes cautionsly to Julia, takes Julia 
in his arms, turns her around and kisses her. 
At the same moment Mrs. Smith and ^fRS. 
BiLLETDOux enter r. 3, Major and General 
enter r. c. and Lavinia r. e. in time to see 
Smith kiss Julia. He discovers his mistake, 
si7ik into chair. Consternation of Mrs. 
Smith and ^Irs. Billetdoux's faces. Gen- 
eral and Major laughing.) 

QUICK CURTAIN. 

(Second Curtain,: — Smith up stage to Mrs. S. 
and Mrs. B. General and Major down he- 
hind table laughing immoderately. Julia c, 
looking doicn demurely. Lavinia r.) 



CURTAIN. 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 39 

ACT 11. 

(Music at rise.) 

b^CESE '.—This is a douUe set. Room on r. repre- 
sents a smoking-room or den. Room on l. a 
library. Room in Smith's residence. Small 
smoking-room r. Practical partitions icitli 
transom and lock and knob, beticeen smoking- 
room and drawing-room In smoking-room 
table and ttvo cJmirs. Larger room is hand- 
somely furnished, with table and chair near 
door leading to smoking-room, a tete-a-tete 
sofa L. Exits from room l. 2 and l. 3 and c. 
Exit from smoking-room r. 3. 

Discovered :—A.t rise of curtain Mrs. Smith and 
Mrs. Billetdoux seated in window back of 
c. door. Both come down stage at rise. 

■Mrs. B. (l. coming doicn c. crosses l.) I am 
so glad to see you take it so sensibly, Marion. 

Mrs. S. {R.'^following her) What did you think 
I would do? Cry and tear my hair and bemoan 
the wickedness of man? Oh, no! None of that 
for me, thank you. 

Mrs. B. (l.) But you had such faith in your 
husband, [crosses to l. and sits in tete-a-tete 

sofa) .^^ 

Mrs. S. (c.) Yes, but thanks to your sensible 
tuition, I have all the time been fully aware that 
what was faith before marriage becomes foolish- 
ness after. 

Mrs. B. But that he should prefer your maid 
to you ! Your maid ! I gave him credit for better 
judgment than that. 



3() WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

General. I did not know that Mrs. Smith had 
ozzer guests. 

Julia. {aside) The General! (f/^c Ma.tou 
goes up behind cTiair r. of table c.) 

General. To meet so beautiful a .young lady is 
ze pleasure beyond compare. 

Julia. When you know me better, sir, perhaps 
3'ou won't think so. 

General. Zat could not be possi])le, for I know 
zat you are beautiful and General Billetdoux was 
ever a slave to beauty, [the General hows; Julia 
and Major laugh aside) 

Julia. To save any misunderstanding, I think 
I had better tell you who I am. 

General. Zat is for you to say, but your lofeiy 
costume, your savoir faire, ze tout ensemble, ze 
whole business tell me zat you are so great, ze 
grand, ze big lady. 

Julia. And yet I am only Mrs. Smith's maid. 
(Julia hoios to General. Major and Julia laugh 
aloud. Julia goes up c. towards Major) 

Major. It's on you, General! It^s on you! 
(up c.) 

General, {takes stage r. then crosses to Julia 

c.) You dear, sweet girl, why did you not say so 

before, {the General tries to put his arm around 

Julia's waist; she repulses him coquettishhj) 

Julia. Tut, tut, tut! We are not well enough 

acquainted for that 

General. Oh 

Julia. Yet — {glancing at General — General 
returns the glance) 

General. Yet — {giving her another look) 
Just one little word — {crossing down r.) but it 
save my life. 

Julia, {coming c.) Would you wish to con- 
tinue the acquaintance now that you know I am 
simply Mrs. Smith's maid. 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 37 

General, {advancing qiilcldy) Would I? Mm I 
Of course. 

Julia. Then meet me here to-night. 

General. Here? 

Julia. While the cat's away, the mice will 
play. 

General. Oh, but I might have to go out wiz 
my wife, (conie down l.) 

Major. That would be too bad, General, too 
bad. 

Julia. For of course you would not dare disa])- 
point her. 

General. I — I not dare I I am ze brave gen- 
eral. I dare do anything, (taking stage r. return 
qitickhj to Julia) and I will meet you here to- 
night without fail I (tries to kiss Julia and she 
prevents him from doing so) 

Julia. No, no! Not until to-night! (gets r.) 

General, (hoimng) Very we]], mademoiselle, 
not until to-night! (to Major) Eh, Major? 

Major, (coining down to General) Eh, Gen- 
eral ! 

General, (l. c.) Still one of ze Old Guard. 

Major, (l.) Still one of the Old Guard ! 

General, (l. c.) Never surrender. 

Major. Never surrender ! 

[They lock arms, march up to r. c, turn and hoiu 
low to Julia, then run and bring each other 
to r. ; exclaim in chorus ^' Ah! ^^ and exit l. 3.) 

Julia. This is the funniest flirtation I've had 
in many a day. Mrs. Billetdoux doesn't like me — • 
I know that — but I think I can have some fun at 
her expense. This dress is really becoming, and I 
think I will wear it, even if Mrs. Smith has given 
it up. 



:>X WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

Mrs. S. mp R.) And only six months ago lie 
yrdd. I was to be queen of liis lionseliold. 

Smith, (l. c.) And what was I to be? 

Mrs. S. You were to be the king. 

Smith, {going tvivards Mns. ^.) Right! You 
were to be the queen and I was to be the king, 
but did we ever agree that she (pointing to Mrs'. 
i>.) was to conie around here and try to be the 
ace? (Mrs. B. highly indignant — Mrs. S. aston- 
ished goes up r. c. General B. up stage laughing 
silenthj. S:\iith crosses l. Cor. Bus. of picking 
up chip from floor and putting on shoulder) 

^Irs. B. General ! General I Are you going to 
stand by and see me insulted like this? (crosses 
to c. General dowii l. c. Mrs. Smith taking 
stage r.) 

General, (crossing to Mrs. B.) Not at all! 
Not at all! (cresses l. to Smith) You will get 
yourself into trouble if you call my wife ze play- 
ing card. T am ze brave man. (aside to Smith) 
It is all right. Go on, go on! 

Smith. I know you're a brave man. General, 
I know it. (going to the door l. 2) Nobody but 
a brave man would have the nerve to marry her. 
(indicates Mrs. B. ; indignation of Mrs. B. Smith 
makes quick exit l. 2. Mrs. B. looks after him) 

Mrs. B. To think you should have such a man 
for a husband, (turns and goes up stage. Gen- 
eral goes to tat)le l., examines cake, hooks, etc.) 

]^Irs. S. (r. c.) But it is only to-day that he 
has been cross, (going up r.) 

Mrs. B. (up stage c.) I will bring him to his 
senses. I'll teach him a thing or two. Come, my 
dear, (offering her hand to Mrs. S.) I'll show 
you how to train a husband. General ! General ! 

General, (l. c.) Yes, my love! 

Mrs. B. (r. up) I am going to have a talk with 
mv niece. You remain here till I return. But 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 35 

mind, don't go out of the house. Don't you dare 
go out. {exit Mrs. B. and Mrs. S. r. 3 e.) 

General, (going up stage and folloicing iMrs. 
B. to R. 0) I would not think of such a thing, 
niY dear. Xot at all, not at all. 

(Enter Major l. 2.) 

M A .TOR. ^A' h y , General! 

(General turns and comes doivn c, meets Major.) 

General. INIajorl (they slial:e hands Karmlij) 

IMajor. (l. c.) a long time since we two boys 
of the Old Guard met. Haven't seen you since 
your wedding, sir, not since your wedding. 

General. (taMng stage r.) I vish I had not 
seen me, eizer. 

Major. Hard campaigning, eh? Hard cam- 
paigning. 

General. Before I marry her, (hus.) T was 
one of ze boys. I flirt wiz ze girls, I have ze 
cham]>agne supper. Now she w^atcii me all ze day, 
and she talk to me all ze night. She say, " Gen- 
•eral, General!" and I say "Yes, my darling." 
(crossing doion l.) 

Major, (c.) Never surrender, General, never 
surrender, (going towards General) 

General, (turning to Major) Wiz ze men 1 
am still ze lion, but wiz her I am now ze lamb. 
(Julia enters r. 3, crosses down r, wearing dress 
Mrs. Smith gave to her. General turns, sees 
Julia) Oh, is she not beautiful. At ze sight 
of such lofeliness, I feel all my courage return. 
(Pantomime y as if to say ^' Speak to her.-' Major 
nods his head, '^ Yes.^' Grossing r. to Julia) Made- 
moiselle, good morning ! 

Julia. Good morning, sir? 



40 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

Mrs. S. (c. crossing to Mrs. B. ) Auntie, in 
such cases jiido^ment has nofhino^ to do with the 
question. Tf man were restricted by law to the 
})ossession of one flower the individnal fortunate 
enongli to wear in his coat the most beautiful of 
roses would be alisolutelv unable to resist a de- 
sire to pluck the dowdiest little daisy that ever 
grew by the wayside, ((joing r.) 

^Irs. B. You are quite right, my dear. 

AIrs. S. (r.) T know all this auntie, and yet 
I haye a lurking hope, yes, almost a belief, that 
John will be able to explain. 

AIrs. B. (l. rising and going to AIarion) Yes — 
giye a man time and he'll explain anything. You 
are simply trying to deceive yourself, my dear. 

AIrs. S. Certainly: in other words, T am trying 
to be ha])py. For of what does a wife's hapniness 
consist? One part knowledge, four parts ignor- 
ance and five parts self delusion. You see, I have 
remembered some of your lessons. 

AIrs. B. And I am glad of it. {going up c. 
Smttii enters l. 2, speaking as he comes) 

SMrrH. (c.) Alarion, I want to set matters 
straight. (AIrs. B. tifrns and looks at Smith) 

AIrs. S. (r. c.) I shall be very glad to have you 
do that, John. I suppose it was an accident. 

SMrrH. (c.) No, it was a mistake. 

AIrs. S. (r.) Certainly you were caught. 

AIrs. B. (l. c. Coming down l. c.) A^ery good, 
my dear. 

SMrrn. (going to AIrs. B.) AAMll you please 
keep out of my affairs which concern only my wife 
and me. (to AIrs. S.) You remember that dress? 

AIrs. S. (r.) Yes. 

Smith, (c.) Did I know that you had given 
it to your maid? 

AIrs. S. (r.) I think not. 

Smith. Well, don't you see? 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 41 

Mrs. S. I must admit that T don't. 

SiNiiTii. (c.) She was wearing it, was stand- 
ing with her back to me, is about the height as 
yourself and has hair nearly the same color. 1 
mistook lier for you, and that's all there is to it. 

(Smith c, Mrs. S. r. c. and Mrs. B. l. c). Mrs. 
Smith attempting to put her arms around 
Mr. Smith's necic, hut catehinc/ Mrs. B.'s eye 
draws haeJc tcith a cynical look on her face. 
Smith starts to embrace his irife, sees her 
look at Mrs. B., turns and goes over to Mrs. 
B. with an impatient gesture, suddenly turns 
and goes up c. expressing anger. Again turns, 
looks at Mrs. B., pulls himself together and 
dotrn to Mrs. S. again.) 

Smith, (c.) Haye you eyer known me to de- 
ceive you? 

Mrs. S. (r.) I have never known you to do it. 

Mrs. B. (l.) Very good again. (Smith gives 
Impatient look at Mrs. B.) 

Smith. Do you think T am telling you an un- 
truth now. Honestly, tell me honestly, do you 
think I am telling you an untruth? 

Mrs. S. (r. c. hesitatingly) I — I ! 

Smith, (c.) I want to know exactly where I 
stand in this matter. I either deliberately kissed 
her and am now deliberately trying to deceive 
you, or it was a mistake, as I have said, and I am 
telling the truth. There is one of two positions 
open to you, you believe me or you do not believe 
me. Which is it ? 

Mrs. S. [after slight pause) I believe you. 
(emhracing Smith) 

Smith, (turning his wife to l., facing Mrs. B. 
and waving his hand) Auntie! (Mrs. B. looks 
disgusted. Smith puts his tvife hack r.) 



42 ^y^^ SMITH LEFT HOME. 

Mrs. B. (l.) And to think the giri I reared 
can be fooled like tliat. {to Smith) I would 
have yon nndeistand, sir, that the dreFS does not 
make the woman, (going to Smith) 

Smith, (c.) No, but it sometimes breaks the 
man. 

Mrs. B. (l.) If I had been wearing- that dress 
would von have kissed me? 

S^iith. (c.) I refuse to ansvrer for fear of 
incriminating myself. 

Mrs. B. (to Mrs. S.) There, yon see. It was 
not the dress after all. {crossing doum to l.) 

Mrs. S. [going to Smith) Anntie, T believe 
him. Some men tell the trnth, you know, {arms 
around his nech) 

Mrs. B. (l. c.) Yes, dear, occasionally. My 
first husband did. He talked in his sleep! 

Smith, (c. crossing to r.) That was probably 
the only chance he got. 

Mrs. S. Auntie, you had better come with me. 
(smiling at Smith) I'm going to see about the 
luncheon, dear. ( exits c.) 

Smith, (r. c.) Luncheon! If that cook only 
does her duty ! 

Mrs. B. ( /^p stage going toward r. indignantly) 
And I wish to superintend the preparation. 

Smith, (r. corner) Auntie. 

Mrs. B. {up stage, turning) Sir! 

Smith. Ta-ta. {exit Mrs. B., c. to r. h.) 

Smith, {going to c.) Well, I got out of that 
luckily. If Marion had her aunt's disposi- 
tion ! 

{The General enters l. 2, grasps Smith's liand 
and shakes it ivarmly.) 

General, (l. c.) Let me congratulate you, 
my boy. Let me congratulate you. I did not 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 43 

know zat von were one of lis, one of ze Old Guard, 
one of ze devil of a fellow like nie. I did not 
know zat, mv bov, T did not know it. 

Smith, (c.) What are you talking about? 
General. Did I not see you kiss her? Did 1 
not iniderstand? But I do not blame you, my 
bov. Not at all, not at all. 

Smith. But that was a mistake, (dou-n R.) 
General. Of course. Of course it was all ze 
mistake. You may tell zat to ze ladies, but not to 
me. Oh, no. not to me, my boy, not to me. 

S^iiTH. (hacl- to General^ General, you are 
wron«-. She was wearing Marion's dress. I mis- 
took her for my wife. 

General, (l. c.) Lofely, lofely ! You should 
not be the contractor, l^ou should be ze special 
correspondent. (Smith hotrs) You lie so beau- 
tifully. 

Smith, (c.) But it isn't a lie. It's the truth. 
General, (l. c.) My dear fellow, you hurt my 
feelings to joke wiz me like zat— you hurt my 
feelings. Do you not see I am one of you, you 
are one of me, we are not one of ze Old Guard. 
[placinq hand on Smith's shoulder) 

Smith, {impatiently going to R.) I am not. 
iokino- I was never more in earnest in my life. 

General. And was it— was it really ze grand 
mistake? ^ . 

Smith, (r. c.) That's what I've been trying to 

tell you. ^ ^^ „^ 

General. And you are not one of us after all I 
Smith, [coming to c.) Well, hardly. 
General, {qoing l.) Zat is too bad, zat is too 

bad. {turns,^looks at Smith) And it was ze 

dress, it was ze dress. 

Smith, (c.) Y^es, it was the dress. 

General, [crossing to Smith) That is too 

bad again. Pardon, one minute. Do you think 



44 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

my wife's dres.s would fit zat girl? 

Smith. What's that? 

General, (going doicn l.) Oh, I was just 
sinking about something, zat was all. (turning^ 
going totcards Smith) Pardon, one minute more. 
And have you told about zis dress to your wife? 

Smith. Yes, and everything's all right, (going 
R. c.) 

General. Lucky fellow. And have you seen 
ze girl to get ze story straight wiz her? 

Smith. The story is true and I don't have to 
see her. (going r. c.) 

General, (l. Jjeckoning Smith to him) My 
boy, my dear boy, you see ze girl and fix it up. Ze 
crooked man wiz ze straight story, he is all right, 
but ze straight man wiz ze crooked story — he is 
in the bouillon. You fix it, my boy (crossing to 
door L. 2., turning to Smith again) vou fix it. 
(Exits L. 2) 

Smith, (l. going to door where General exits) 
Well, isn't he a dizzy old reprobate. But I 
wouldn't be surprised if he were right. If anyone 
questioned the girl, and her version didn't agree 
with mine — (points to himself) bouillon! (puts 
hand to pocket and takes roll of money out and 
looks at it) Ah, there's the money I drew for 
Marion this morning. It Avas mean of me to re- 
fuse her just because her aunt was coming. How- 
ever, I will ! (starts up stage and sees maid. 

(Julia enters c. from r.) 

Note: — This scene must he played hg Julia with 
a great deal of decisiveness and assumed in- 
nocence. Smith's facial expression must 
help out his points.) 

Julia. (c. up stage) Excuse me, sir. I 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 45 

tlionglit Mrs. Smith was here, {turns to go) 

Sjiith. (r. c. Goes up and takes her hy the 
arm) I wish to see you a moment, {hrings her 
(J oxen c.) 

(Mrs. B. appears at door.) 

S:mitii. (speaks to maid) I want to see von 
Jiboiit that little mistake that occurred this morn- 
ing. For it was a mistake, wasn't it? 

JuLTA. (R. c.) I didn't know it was a mistake, 
sir. 

S^riTii. (c.) I had never kissed you before, 
had I? 

Julia. No, sir, but then everything has to have 
a beginning. 

Smith, (r. c.) And did you think I had kissed 
you knowingly? 

Julia, (c.) I hadn't thought of that, sir. I 
only knew that you had kissed me and in the 
presence of witnesses, (looks up at Smith) 

Smith. But it was all a misunderstanding, and 
if anyone questions you, I want 3'OU to tell me so. 

Julia. I couldn't do that, sir. It would make 
me look so ridiculous, (looking up at Smith^ then 
throwing eyes down modestly) 

Smith, (e.) You ridiculous? How would it 
make me look? Oh, come, now, it was a mistake, 
and you know it. 

Julia, (r. c.) I don't know it, sir, but I might 
be made to think it. {looking at Smith for an 
instant) 

Smith, (c.) What do .you mean? 

Julia, (r. c.) Well, sir, I should imagine I 
was doing myself an injustice if I thought it was 
a mistake — (pause) for less than five hundred 
dollars. 

Smith, {moving aicay from her totvards l.) 



4G WH'f SMITH LEFT HOME. 

Five hundred dollars! Five hundred ! (hacJc 

to Julia) What is this — blackmail? 

Julia. Blackmail I Blackmail I {looldnf) at 
Smith, then casting her ej/es clown) And 1 
thought yoii were a oentlenian. I wouldn't think 
it a mistake now, not for a thousand dollars. 

Smith, (aside) A thousand now. (7o* Julia) 
You wouldn't, eh I Well, what are you going to 
do about it? 

Julia. You'll see, sir. You'll find there's a laAv 
in this country, a law for the poor as well as for 
l^he rich ; that is, if they have good witnesses. And 
I couldn't ask for better witnesses than your wife 
and her aunt, (lookinq up at Smith) Could I, 
sir? 

S:^iith. (l., looks at Julia, goes l. aside) I'm 
being worked, and I can't help myself, (haclc to 
Julia) And if I gave you five hundred dollars, do 
you think you could think it was a mistake? 

Julia, (r.) I don't know that I ought to, sir, 
the damage to my feelings is much more than that. 
To be kissed by you, and then find I was mis- 
taken for Mrs. Smith — that's very humiliating, 
sir. {looking at Smith, then doirn) But you've 
always been good and kind to me, so I'll tak^ tii > 
five hundred, think it was a mistake and try to 
forget it. 

Smith., (c. turns) ^Yell, I'll be ! You'd 

like to have the money immediateh', of course? 

Julia, (r. c.) - If you please, sir. 

Smith. (crosses to desk) Ye — s. Well, I 
might as well give you the check now as at any 
other time. 

Julia, [crossing to sofa l. after speech) 
Excuse me, sir, but if it's all the same to you, I'd 
rather have the cash. 

Smith. Oh, you would, would you? W^ell, I 
have the amount with me. (going to Julia. The 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 47 

General and Major appeur c. from k. and see 
Smith give Julia the moneij. An action of sur- 
prise on their part, and exit. Smith counts money 
up to five to Julia) 

Julia. ( l. c.) I liope this doesn't inconven- 
ience yon, sir? 

Smith, (l.) Inconvenience me? Oh, dear, no. 
T get these little attentions every day. {going l.) 
Do yon know, I think yon're an aAvfnlly clever 
girl. 

Julia. Th.ank yon, sir. {courtesy) 

Smith. Yes, I do. (crossing to door r. opens 
door, turns to Julia) Yes, I do. I think 3^ou are 
so touchingly clever thal^ yon'd better not stay 
round here. 

Julia, (going to l. c.) I thonght of that too, 
sir, and I'm going to give notice to-day. 

S:>iiTH. Good. Such mistakes, while not ex- 
actly unpleasant, are decidedly too expensive. 
(exit into smoking room, stops) Done, done for 
five hundred. Had I kissed her twice. Oh — — ! 
(exits R.) 

Julia. (l. looking at money, then at door 
where Smith icent off) He's a good, kind man, 
that's what he is. ( laughs heartily^ goes c. Gen- 
eral and Major re-enter c.) 

General, (c. shaking his finger at Julia) Ah, 
ha, w^e saw you, we saw you, did we not, Major? 

Major. (l. coming down c. with General) 
Right you are. General, right you are. 

Julia, (r. c.) Y^ou evidently misjudge me, 
gentlemen. I simply struck Mr. Smith for an in- 
crease of salary. 

General, (c.) Oh, zen you are the young 
lady of whom I read so much — ze striking beauty. 
(turning to Major and giving him a ivink) Ah, 
Major ! Zat is ze joke — ze French joke. 

Major. {laughingly) The striking beauty. 
Capital, General, capital. 



48 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

General, (c. to Major) Jnst one word wiz 
YOU, please, Major. (Major nods yes. General 
turns to Julia, howing) Pardon! {to Major in 
pantomime, pointing to Julia as if to say, ''May 
T speak with her! '^) 

Major. Certainly, certainly. Still one of the 
Old Guard. 

General. Still one of ze Old Guard. 

Major. Eh, General. 

General. Eh, Major! 

Major. Neyer surrender! 

General. Neyaire surrender, {loek arms and 
go to door l. 2, looking at eaeh other) 

General and Major. Ah ! (exit Major) 

General, (turning meets Julia c.) And now 
sit down one minute and talk about to-ni2,ht. 

Julia, (r.) Em afraid it would not be right. 
I^esides it's dangerous. 

General. Oh, it will be all right, I can assure 
you. Sit here Ayiz me one minute and tell me about 
ze party. 

(Julia and General sit on tete-a-tete sofa. Gen- 
eral down stage and Julia opposite.) 

Julia. Well, as all the family are going out 
to-night, the girls are going to giye a fancy dress 
ball. 

General. Oh, zat will be lofely. 

Julia. I'm going as (gives description of dress 
she is to ivear) but so there will be no mistake, I 
will wear an evening star in my hair. 

(Mrs. S. and Mrs. B. appear at c. door. Julia 
sitting around to shield the General f7'om 
their sight.) 

General. [passing arm around to Julia's 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 49 

) ight shoulder) Ze evening star in ze hair. I 
vrill remember zat. 

^Frs. B. (c. to Mrs. S.) Your husband! 
Making another mistake. -You shonld have one 
trained like mine, (coming down c.) And now, 
Mr. Smith, what is your explanation? (General 
jumps up, taJ{es l. Julia rises) 

Mrs. S. (r. r. seeing General, astonished, turns 
to Mrs. B., points to General) Auntie, my hus- 
band I (Mrs. S. laughs) 

Picture (1.) 



Mrs. B. cr 

Mrs. S. crosses. Julia crosses. 

General crosses. 

^Irs. B. (r. c. in consternation) How dare 
you, sir, how dare you? [go up c. arid down c. 
angrily. Julia comes down l. corner. General 
appealing to Mrs. S. in pantomime) 

General, (l. c. pointing to Julians dress) It 
was the dress, mj dear, it was ze dress. 

Mrs. S. (r.) Don't you understand? Of 
course, it was the dress — the dress, {following 
Mrs. B. up stage) What could be more natural? 

General, (crossing to Mrs. B.) Zat is it — 
just like Smith — just like Smith. 

Mrs. B. (excitedly walking up and doum stage. 
Coming down to General) That will do, sir, 
that will do. March right out of here. 

General, (l. c.) It was ze dress. 

Mrs. B. (c.) I'll settle with you after a while. 

General, (l. c. appealingly to Mrs. B.) But 
it was the dress — it was ze dress. 

Mrs. B. (c.) Not another word, sir. (stamp- 
ing her foot) Not another word. 

(General exits c. off r. protesting.) 



50 why: SxMith left home. 

Mrs. B. (c. coming down to Julia) And as 
for vou, Miss, pack up your things and leave 
immediately. 

Julia, (l.) You are making a slight mistake. 
I'm not working for von, and you can't discharge 
me. 

Mrs. B. (c.) But my niece can. (goes to Mrs. 
Smith r. c.) Of course you will not allow this 
person to remain under your roof another minute. 

Mrs. S. (c. crossing l.) Julia, under the cir- 
cumstances, I think you had better. 

Julia, (l.) Just as you say, ma'am. But a 
little incident occurred this morning of which 
you were both Avitnesses. It was all a mistake. 1 
know, on Mr. Smith's part; but it would be very 
disagreeable to explain in court, especially as 1 
should have to call on you to testify. 

Mrs. S. and Mrs. B. (r.) What do you mean? 

Julia, (l.) If you discharged me, it would 
seem as though you doubted my character, and I 
should have to bring suit against Mr. Smith in 
self-defense, especially as I am to be married in 
three weeks. But if you would let me give you 
two weeks' notice, I wouldn't think of such a 
thing, because you've been so good and kind to 
me. 

Mrs. S. (c. apart crossing to Mrs. B. down r.) 
It would never do for this thing to get out. 

Mrs. B. (r. ajxirt) We must hush it up, of 
course, but don't let her stay an hour after her 
notice has expired. 

Mrs. S. (c.) Well, Julia, as you're to be mar- 
ried very soon, I'll allow you to remain until two 
weeks from to-day. 

Julia, (r.) Thank you, ma'am. 
Mrs. B. {crossing c. to Marion) Now Marion, 
let us go and find the General. I am just aching 
to have a few minutes' quiet conversation with 
him. Cbell) 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 51 

Mrs. S. (c.) Auntie, if my husband were 
trained like yonrs, I wouldn't have to worry about 
him, would I? 

Mrs. B. (c.) Marion! (Mrs. S. and Mrs. B. 
go up c. to exit. 

(Enter P^lsie l. 3 e, iclth card.) 

Mrs. S. (R. c.) What? 

Elsie, (l.) A gentleman to see Mr. Smith, 
ma'am. 

Mrs. S. (l. c.) I'll take the card. Show the 
gentleman in. {reads card) " Count Wilhelm 
Von Guggenheim." 

(Elsie exits c.) 

Mrs. B. a count! 

Mrs. S. Yes. 1 wonder what he can want with 
John. Come, Auntie. (Mrs. B. and Mrs. S. exit 
c.) 

(Enter Elsie, foUotced hy Count. Elsie courtes- 
ies to Count and exits. Count comes down 
c. as Julia crosses to door in partition. 
Count sees her, Julia turns, and the Count 
Reckons.) 

Count, (c.) You work mit dose people dat is 
here? No? Yes? 

Julia, (r.) Yes, sir. 

Count, (c.) And you know about dose people, 
what is going on. No? Yes? 

Julia, (r. c.) Well, I should say so. 

Count. Den told me about Miss Schmidt. Is 
she — is she — (Count taking stage l.) Ach mein 
gott. How shall I say him. [turns and rushes 
hack to Julia r. c.) Is she going mit anoder man 
to marry, already? No? Yes? 



52 WHf SMITH LEFT HOME. 

Julia, (r. c.) Miss Smith? Well, I should 
say not! 

Count. Den a chance there is for me. Maybe, 
uerhaps. 

Julia. (r. c.) A chance for yon, with Miss 
Smith ? 

Count. I see tw o ladies on der street mit one 
anudder side hj each. 

Julia. Side by each ? 

Count. Der one lofely and young, der odder 
unlofely and unyoung, I to my friend say, '' Who 
are dey." He say, '' Mrs. and Miss Schmidt, '' nnd 
dough der mudder, I like me not. I in lofe do fall 
right away mit der beautiful Miss Schmidt. 
{taking l. c.) 

Julia, (aside) This is too good to spoil, (to 
Count) The ladies are not mother and daughter, 
Count. They are sisters-in-law. 

Count, (hack to c.) Is dot so ! I am glad you 
told me. If I to Mrs. Schmidt had called her 
mudder of Miss Schmidt, I might make offend by 
her. No ? Yes ? 

Julia, (r. c.) She certainly would fhink it 
rather queer. 

Smith, (c. outside) I wonder what he wants 
with me. 

Julia, (r.) There's Mr. Smith, (exit Julia 
through door of partition. Count takes l. c. as 
Smith enters c.) 

Smith. (c.) Count Von Guggenheim. 

(Smith has some difficulty with the name. Count 
hows) I am Mr. Smith. What can I do for you? 

Count, (l. approaching Smith) I quick to 
the point will reach. You a sister possession and 
I by her would marry for I lofe her with all the 
wholeness of my heart. (Smith starts for door 
R. as though afraid; stops at door) 

Smith, (r.) I'm afraid my hearing isn't good. 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 5:j 

You wish to many my sister? [coming down to 
Count) 

Count, (l. hoivs) You liafe said. Und so as 
is del- custom mit der Von Guggeniieim, I to you 
haf come as der top of der liouse. (SxMith looks 
astonished) You look astonishment. 

Smith, (c.) Yes, it's my turn. 

Count, (l. ecstatically) But she is so beauti- 
ful — she is so beautiful, {taking l. c.) 

Smith. ( r. c. ) My sister beautiful! Well, 
they say that love is blind. 

CoirNT. (c.) :Mit der hair like der blackness 
of der night. 

Smith, (r. aside) He's not only blind, he's 
color blind. 

Count. Und so young. Ah ! so lofely and so 
young. 

Smith, (r. aside) I wonder what is the mat- 
ter with him? Guess I'll get out of here, (starts 
for door r.) 

Count, (dashing over to Smith) Will you 
mit her speak for me, und if '^ yes " she do say, 
you will be mein friend; mine brudder! 

Smith. I'll be your brudder all right, (hug) 
I'm not so sure about the friend. 

Count, (l. c.) Mit her speak as if it was for 
you. 

Smith, (r.) No! No! That wouldn't do you 
justice. 

Count. I to Berlin go. I must to-night the 
answer get for to-morrow is the day I sail by. 

Smith, (c.) Very well, Count. I will speak 
to my sister, and you can come back for your 
answer, say at eight o'clock. 

Count, (crossing r.^ grasping Smith's hand and 
shaking it) I here will be. Und if " no " she say 
I myself will suicide, (crossing to c.) Yes, Mr. 
Schmidt, I your sister so much do lofe dat if she 



54 WHi SMITH LEFT HOME. 

vill not Countess Von Guggenheim be I Avill mit 
nie to der river go und jump in mit my head in 
front of my feet, {quick exit l. 3 e.) 

Hmith. Well, that beats me. (going to desk l. 
sits and busies himself with papers, etc. Enter 
Miss Smith) 

^Iiss S. John {looking around), has the Count 
gone ? 

Smith. Oh, you know? 

Miss S. (c.) Yes; your wife told me. What 
did he want? 

Smith, (l.) Think of the most unlikely thing 
in the world and you've got it. He wanted to 
many you. 

Miss S. (c.) Mel Why, I never even spoke 
to him. 

Smith, (l.) That i)robably accounts for it. 
But there can be no mistake. He made a formal 
l)roposal, and is coming for his answer at eight 
o'clock. 

Miss S. (r.) You wanted me to accept the 
Major. Your wife spoke of proposals at my time 
of life, and after all I am to be a countess, 
for I shall accept him, of course. A countess I 1 
wonder what some people will think, now. [taking 
stage r.) 

Smith, (c. rising, coming c.) Then you jilt 
the poor old Major. 

Miss S. (r.) Jilt him? No, I never accepted 
him. 

Smith, (l.) We'll say then that you refuse 
him. 

Miss S. Of course I do. Refuse the Major and 
accept the Count, [crossing l. sits in tete-a-tete 
sofa. Smith going up c.) 

Smith. Very well, I'll see him when he comes, 
and then turn him over to jou, [up c. door. 
Smith turns, looks at Miss Smith) Young, 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 55 

beautiful suicide. Oh, this is too deep for me. 

(exit R. C.) . o mi 

MissS. {nslng.) A countess! I a countess? The 
Countess Von Guo-oenheim. {hoiving. Enter 
Major) How I will snub that sister-in-law of 
mine. {eoniing down in front of seat. Major 
coming down to Miss Smith) 
Major, (c.) My dear Juliette! 
Miss S. (l.) Major Duncombe. 
Major, (c.) Not so formal, Juliette, not so 
formal. When I remember that glorious half- 
hour in the conservatory last night and the oaths 

we swore ! 

Miss S. Pardon me. If there was any swear- 
ing done, it was not me. Your ideas about last 
night seem a little confused. 

Major, (l. c.) On some points, perhaps, on 
some points. But there is one thing I shall never 
forget. You pressed your lips to mine and called 
me Willie. 

Miss S. (l.) On the impulse of the moment a 
girl is likely to do things which she afterwards 
regrets. (Miss Smith sits in tete-a-tete) 

Major, {leaning over hack of sofa) Regrets! 

Regrets! Do you mean ! But no, you can't! 

You can't— last night you told me to put the 
question again to-day and you would answer. I 
do. Juliette, Divinity of my boyhood, idol of my 
manhood, dream of my soul, will you be Mrs. Wil- 
liam Duncombe? 

Miss S. While appreciating the honor you do 
me, I am compelled to say I must decline it. 

Major. What— you refuse me. You cannot 
mean it, Juliette, you cannot mean it. Last night 
my eves looked love to eyes that spoke again, last 

night I held you in these arms, last night ! 

Miss S. (r. rising from sofa and crossing r.) 
Last night has passed and this is to-day. I repeat 
I must decline to be Mrs. William Duncombe. 



5G WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

^Iajor. (c. g'oing to c.) But why this change? 
If T have done anything or said anything — ^ — ! 

Miss S. (r.) No, no! {taking two steps 
toicards door it.) 

Major, (c.) Then what can it be — can there 
be another? 

Miss S. {doKii r.) And if there is? [at door 
R. tal'ing hold of door-lnoh) 

Major. (r. c. advancing toicards Miss S.) 
Then I'll have revenge, madam. I'll kill him. 

Miss S. (opening door in partition and going 
into the middle room) Don't try to frighten me. 
Major Duncombe. The gentleman I have promised 
to marry is fully able to take care of himself. 

Major, (holding door open) The gentleman 
you have promised to marry? 

Miss S. (other room r.) Precisely, (go to 
door in r. fiat) 

Major. Who is he? Who is he? 

Miss 8. (r.) That you Avill learn soon enough, 
lentil then, rest assured that threats and vows 
of vengeance will affect him just as little as they 
affect me. (giving Major look of scorn and exit 

R.) 

Major, (speaking as Miss S. goes off r. slam- 
ming door) We'll see about that, madam. Able 
to take care of himself, is he. We'll see about 
that, we'n see about that, (crossing to l. 2 e.) 
After waiting twenty years to be jilted like this. 
(exit L. 2) 

(Enter Mrs. Smith, Mrs. B. and General c. 
Mrs. B. and Mrs. S. coming down. Gen- 
eral remmns up stage.) 

Mrs. B. (r. c.) I never tasted such a luncheon 
in all my life. Positively, I never did. 

Mrs. S. (l.) And she came so highly recom- 



V/HY SMITH LEFT HOME. 57 

mended, T eannot understand it. (going l. to 
fD'iting desk. General coming doiim c.) 

]Mrs. B. (r. c.) The General here with his 
ejyicnrean taste, could not eat a single thing. 

General, (c. uj?) I am ze guest and would 
nevaire complain, (crossing to Mrs. B. r.) 

Mrs. B. (r. to Mrs. S.) Surely you will not 
tolerate such a state of affairs. 

Mrs. S. (l. ringing hell on desk) Indeed, I 
shall not. (enter Elsie c. from, l.) Elsie, send 
the cook here to me. (Elsie exits c. r.) 

Mrs. B. Let me talk to her, dear, I'm afraid 
you'll be too gentle with her. I'll show you how 
to train your servants. 

(Enter Layinia from c. wiping hands on apron; 
comes down c. to Mrs. S. c.) 

Layinia. (c. to Mrs. S.) You sent for me, 
ma'am. 

Mrs. S. (l.) Yes, Lavinia, how dare you 

Mrs. B. (r. c.) That was a fine luncheon, 
wasn't it? And you profess to be a cook. 

Lavinia. (c.) Are you speakin' to me? 

Mrs. B. (r. c.) Of course I am. 

Lavinia. Well, I never speak to strangers about 
my work. It's agin' the rules o' the union. 

Mrs. B. (r. c.) That may be, but I am talking 
to you, and I repeat that such cooking is a dis- 
grace, and if it occurs again, you will pack your 
trunk and leave immediately, you understand — 
immediately. 

Lavinia. (c> turning to Mrs. S.) Introduce 
me to this person. Introduce me, so that I can 
speak to her without breakin' the rules o' the 
union. 

Mrs. Smith, (l. surprised) This is my aunt, 
Mrs. Billetdoux. 



58 



WHi SMITH LEFT HOME.- 



Lavinia. And now that I can speak to voii 
vrithont breaking the rules of the union, for I am 
as strict an uniontarian as any lady in this conn- 
try. How dare you speak to me like that, to me 
as had ancestors in Holland before Americans 
were ever thought of. I'm a lady, I am. I'm a 
lady — or Td slap your face. 

{Which hrings a general move from everyljodij. 

C ouster nation. Mrs. S. goes had- of 

chair at desk l.) 

Mrs. P>. (r. cor.) General, General, are you 
going to stand quietly by and see me insulted by 
this woman? 

( General r. c. trying to pacify Mrs. B. in pan- 
tomime.) 

Mrs. S. crosses. 

>.fRS. 1>. crosses. General crosses. 

Lavinia ci'osses. 

Lavinia. (c.) Woman I Don't you call me 
names. I'm a lady and don't you forget it. 

General, (r. c. up and down r. cor.) {Turn- 
ing to Lavinia in a. very excited manner) You 
must not talk so to my wife, or you will have to 
settle wiz me, wiz me, ze brave general. 

Lavinia. (l. c. up) I'll settle with you now 
and in any style you like. You can't bluff me, 
you parlevoo, frog-eatin' French foreigner, you. 

(General movement of excitement up and down 
stage. During the excitement, Smith enters 
c. Smith meets Lavinia, tvho pantomimes 
that the trouhle is with Mrs. Billetdoux. 
Smith^ realizing the situation^ laughs silent- 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 50 

Z/y, shakes Lavinia's hand— to her surprise. 
He then paiitoinimes to T.avtnia '^ Watch me.'' 
Flays to Mrs. Billetdoux loudly, with as- 
sumed indiijnatlon) — 

S^iiTH. (c. up L.) What's all this row about? 
[conium down stage c.) 

Lavinia. (up R. point iiig to Mrs. B.) That 
person is trvin' to get me discharged. 

Smith, (up r.) And yon refnsed to let her. 
Right, perfectly right. (Lavinia 7wds) 

Mn^. B. (r.) I will not stay here to be in- 
sulted like this. 

Lavinia. (up r. apart to Smith) Then I'll 
get the hundred, T get the hundred. 

Smith. (l. c. to Mrs. B.) The next train 
leaves in twenty minutes. Shall I order the car- 
riage. 

Mrs. B. (r. c.) Immediately, (^mith goes up 
stage to door in l. 8) 

General, (r. c. aside) I must not lose ze 
party like this, (turns and calls to Smith up 
stage) Oh, Mister Smith! (Smith stops. To 
Mrs. B.) My dear, stay at least until to-morrow. 
(Smith rejoins Lavinia ivho is r.) You see, 1 
have waited so long for this visit. And Marion, 
she would be so disappointed, would you not my 
dear? (looking at Marion. Crossing to l.) 

Mrs. S. (extreme r.) Of course I should. 
What would the neighbors think, I couldn't hear 
of having you go. 

Lavinia. (c. up. To Smith) I don't get the 
hundred. I lose twenty-five dollars right here. 

Mrs. B. (crosses l. to Mrs. S. General goes 
up stage and drops dotvn l.) Well, dear, for your 
sake, I will stay until to-morrow, but unless there 
is a change in several directions (looks at Lavinia 
and Smith) I shall certainly go home then. 



60 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

Lavinia. {going io door in partition. To Mrs. 
S.) If you don't want me for anything else, 
ma'am, I'll go back to my work. 

Mrs. S. (l.) That's all, Lavinia, that's all. 
{leaving Lavinia out. Lavinia opens door) 

SMiTfi. (r. c.) That's all, Lavinia. Go back 
to your work. 

(Mrs. B., Mrs. S. and General meet l. At the 
same time Lavinia, tolio has gone into smoking- 
room, beckons Mr. Smith, icho follows her and 
eloscs door after him.) 

Lavinia. Everything seems to be coming our 
way. 

Smith, (takes Lavinia's hands, laughs, swings 
her around l.) You're doing nobly. Of course, 1 
had to make a pretense of enjoying that luncheon, 
but the truth is I couldn't eat a thing. 

Lavinia. (l.) I'd thought of that, sir, and 
I've got the finest little meal ready for you that 
you ever tasted, and will serve it in here. 

Smith, (r.) If you were a man, you'd be a 
second Napoleon, {exit r.) 

{Bus. General. Lavinia laughs, chuckles, makes 
a gesture and dashes through the door r.) 

General, {leaving Mrs. B. and Mrs. S. goes to 
c. door) I think I will go and smoke wiz me ze 
cigar, my dear. 

Mrs. B. (l. c.) But you will not leave the 
house, General! 

General. Of course not, my darling. 

Mrs. B. {coming up c. to General) To be per- 
fectly sure that you don't, I'll accompany you. 

(General in a dejected manner offers his arm to 
Mrs. B. Both exit c. Lavinia enters r. in 
smoking-room, places cloth on table, begins to 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 61 

cut loaf of hread. Mas. S. going up c. watch- 
ing Mrs. B. and General off, laughing. Enter 
Bob l. 2 e. followed hy Rose.) 

Bob. (l. c.) I hate to mention such, a plebean 
thing, Marion, but 1 had an early breakfast, and 
am feeling hungry. (Rose l. folloics Bob) 

{During this time LAyiNiA cuts hread in silence in 
snioklng-rooni.) 

Mrs. S. {coming down c. to Bob) Of course, 
you know why I didn't invite you to lunch with 
me. 

Bob. ( L. ('. ) Because of aunt and your hus- 
band. But isn't there some quiet, convenient room 
wheie you could serve me a little meal — anything 
wonld do. 

Rose, (l.) Yes, anything. 

Mrs. S. (c. ) Let me see. Why, yes, of course. 
(goes to table and rings hell. Enter Elsie c. 
Elsie, call the cook immediately. {Ea^it Elsie 
E.) There'll be no difficulty whatever, and you 
can have your wedding luncheon just as all bridal 
couples should — alone. 

Rose. Isn't that lovely? 

Bob. (l. c.) The very thing. 

(Mrs. S., Bob and Rose converse in pantomime.) 

Lavinia. {looking towards door r.) Who's 
there? 

Elsie. Mrs Smith wants to see you right away. 
Lavinia. All right. I'll come. 

(Lavinia folds hread up in cloth, places it in fire- 
place R.) 

Elsie, {entering c.) She's coming, ma'am. 
(Elsie exits c.) 



62 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

Bod. (l. c.) You're sure there'll be no danger. 

Mrs. S. (c.) Quite sure. I'll be careful for 
my ovrn sake as well as yours. {Enter Lavinia 
throuf/k door in partition from den. Rose sits l., 
Bob goes to her. To Lavinia) Lavinia, this lady 
and gentleman are going to stay to luncheon and 
I would like to have it served in my husband's 
den. 

Lavinia. In there? 

Mrs. S. (c.) Yes. (Lavinia Tools disturbed) 
What's the matter? 

Lavinia. (r. c.) I don't think I can do it, 
ma'am. Servin' lunches in dins is agin the rules 
of the union. 

Mrs. S. (c.) Very well, then. I'll do it my- 
self, (crossing l. to Rose and Bob) 

Lavinia. (r.) On second thought, ma'am, I'll 
accommodate you. 

Mrs. S. That's very kind of you. But they 
are hungry, so please don't wait. 

Lavinia. Why not let them eat in the kitchen ? 

Rose. (l. cor., rising) Eat in the kitchen I 

Mrs. S. crosses. Lavinia crosses. Rose crosses. 

Bob. (l. c. starts to cross to Lavinia. Mrs. 
Smith stops him icitJi a gesture) The ideal 

Lavinia. (r.) Well, you needn't be so huffy 
about it. Just as good people as you eat there. As 
I said before {to Mrs. Smith) why not let them 
eat in the kitchen? 

Mrs. S. (c.) No, no. It is quite out of the 
question. 

Bob. (l. c.) Of course it is. 

Rose. (l. c.) I should say so. 

Mrs. S. {im patiently) In there, Lavinia, 
{pointing to door) as I said before. In there. 

Lavinia. {goes to door leading into den) Very 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. G3 

well, ma'am, very well, {opens door, goes into 
den, shuts door after her) There's going to be 
trouble. I feel it in my bones. (Exit r. 3) 

Mr.s. S. [going to doom, opening it) You can 
^^'ait in here until she returns. (Bob and Rose 
pass in, close door and embrace.) 

Mrs. S. {Opening door suddenly, discovers Bob 
aiid KosE cnihracing. Mrs. Smith crosses over to 
L. a)id sits at desk) Ah, be careful not to make 
any noise. (Bob and Rose sit, Rose at l. of table 
and Bob at R. in den) 

Bob. What a funny wedding day. I'm really 
hungry. 

Rose. So am I. T do hope she won't be long. 

(Mrs. B. and Miss S. enter from r. c.) 

Mrs. B. (r. coming doirn r. c.) Marion, have 
you heard the news? 

?Jiss S. crosses. Mrs. B. crosses. Mrs. S. crosses, 

Mrs. S. (at desk) No. 

Mrs. B. (r.) Why Miss Smith tells me 
that ! 

Miss S. {coming down c.) Let me tell her. I 
am to be married to Count Von Guggenheim. 
What do you think of that. 

Mrs. S. My dear Juliette, you really ought to 
see a specialist. This is your second Guggenheim 
attack to-day. 

Miss S. (c.) Be as skeptical and sarcastic as 
you please. The fact remains, nevertheless, that 
1 am to be a Countess. 

Mrs. B. (r. c.) She says that the Count pro- 
posed to your husband for her hand in the most 
formal style this afternoon. 

Miss S. (c.) And is coming for his answer 
to-night. 



64 WH\ SMITH LEFT HOME. 

Mrs. S. (rising, going down l.) John told 
you that? 

Miss S. (r.) He did. 

Mrs. S. (l.) Ill have to speak to John. His 
sense of humor is becoming altogether too obstrep- 
erous. 

Miss S. (advancing to Mrs. S.) Then you 
don't believe it. 

Mrs. S. (crossing r.) Why should I? T know 
the size of your bank balance, and the Count's 
eyesight is still good. 

(Mrs. S. cj'osses to Mrs. B. r. c.) 

Miss S. (l. c.) I might have expected this. 
But I shall repay you for everything some day, 
for let me tell you — Mrs. Smith 

(Mrs. Smith, c. hoiving.) 

Allien I'm married to the Count, you won't be 
able to get your nose inside my door, no indeed, 
not even with the aid of crowbar. (Eo'it l. 2) 

Mrs. S. (coming c.) It must be awful to wake 
up after such a lovely dream. 

(Enter Elsie c. from l. n-ith letter which she 
hands to Mrs. Smith. Elsie ea^its same.) 

Elsie. A letter for you, ma'am. 

Mrs. S. (l. c. opening letter) From the in- 
telligence office. I sent word I should want a new 
maid to take Julia's place. 

Mrs. B. (r. c.) A sensible idea. 

Mrs. S. (c.) There's a girl waiting who they 
think will just suit. Shall we go to see her? 

Mrs. B. (r.) Yes, dear, but be very careful in 
your selection this time. 

Mrs. S. (crossing to u. 3) Indeed I will. 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 65 

(Mrs. S. and Mrs. B. exit l. 3.) 

Bob. (rising and passing hack of tahle in den) 
T wonder where that girl is. I can't stand this 
indefinite postponement of meal time. 

Hose. (h. of tabic) But what can you do? 

Bob. (r.) I've got to do something, [discov- 
ers tahle-cloth at fireplace r. cotitaining hread. 
Stoops down and examines it) A find! (Then 
picks it up and places it on the taMe. Gives a 
larr/e piece of hvead to Rose, takes another piece 
and sits r. of table. They each take a bite laugh- 
ingly, and look at each other. Go to take a second 
bite, look disgnsted) . 

Rose. A wedding luncheon, (holding bread up 
and looking at Bob) 

• (Bob goes up and throws bread in fireplace.) 

Rose. Take mine, too, I am not selfish. 

(Bob throws this also in fireplace.) 

Bob. I'm going to find that cook. 

Rose. But your aunt. 

Bob. I'd rather meet aunty than starve to 
death. You stay here, dear, (starts for door r. 
in den) 

Rose. (c. rising) Alone? 

Bob. (coming back of chair to Rose) There's 
nothing to be afraid of. 

Rose. But I'd rather not. 

Bob. (placing her doivn in chair) There, 
there. Don't worry. I'll be back in a minute or 
so. (Bob exits r. from den) 

(Smith and General enter c. from r. Smith 
motioning General to keep quiet.) 



63 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

General, (u) I am very liimgry, when am 1 
to have somethinsj to eat? 

Smith, (c.) Don't ask any questions, General. 
Be satisfied witli gettino^ it, and remember you'd 
go hungry all day if I didn't know that you were 
a good fellow and would say nothing about it. 

General, (c.) But where is it? 

Smith, (l.) In here all by ourselves. 

(Opening door to den. Smith and General enter 
den. General enters first, crosses doicn r. 
Smith sees Rose and starts.) 



Smith. Confound it I We've got to get this 
girl out of here, (goes to table to Rose) I beg 
your pardon but we need this room for a few 
minutes. Would you oblige me by going in there. 
{indicating room l.) I said, would you oblige 
me ! {to General) Oh, confound it, I for- 
got. She doesn't understand English. 

General, {down r. cor.) Doesn't understand? 

Smith, (r. c.) Xo. Came here this morning 
with her brother. How are we going to get her 
out of here, {very sharplij to Rose) Get out of 
here I (Rose, without looking at Smith, starts 
and sJioics indignation) {to General) I wonder 
if she understands the sign language? 

(Approaches Rose, attracts her attention hg 
striking table, then motions for Iver to leave 
room. Rose smiles, pretending she does not 
understand. Lavinia enters during business, 
goes to head of table. Smith's hand as he 
makes motions to Rose just misses Lavinia's 
face, causing her to draw back her hand. 
Smith turns to Rose, pantomimes for her 
to go in the other room.) 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. (JJ 

Lavinia. (c. Iniifatcs Smith's Bus.) What 
game are you playing? {stare hus.) 

Smith, (r. c.) How are we going to get this 
girl out of here. 

Lavinia. Easy enough. I'll tell her to move. 

Smith, (r.) But she doesn't understand Eng- 
lish. 

Lavinia. (laughs) Oh, this is a good joke. 
[to Kose) He says you don't understand Eng- 
lish, (grin bus.) Rose smiles vacantly. Lavinia's 
grin sloivly changes to a look of surprise) Oh, 
what's the matter with you? 

General. She does not know. 

Lavinia. (c.) (to General. Scoivl and grin 
hits.) But I heard her speaking in there {to Rose) 
Didn't I hear you say you wouldn't eat in the 
kitchen? (Rose pretends she does not under- 
stand) 

S:\iiTH. (r. c.) You're simply mistaken. 

Lavinia, (c.) Well, when I know a thing, 1 
know it, and I heard ! 

{Enter Bob r., sees Lavinia and tries to exit r. 
Lavinia stops him.) 

Lavinia. {turning to Bob) Here, young man, 
they're trying to tell me she doesn't understand 
English. 

Bob. (r. cor. By the door r.) Si Signora datta 
righta! She no speaka English. I speaka 
putta bad. She not speaka him at alia. 

(Crossing l. go hack of Rose's chair. Rose takes 
his hand and shows amusement. Lavinia 
crosses to Smith astonished) 

Lavinia. (c. to Smith) Is this real, or am I 
dreaming. 



OS WHY SMITH LEl^T HOME. 

Smith, (r.) It's real, of course. This is Sig- 
iior Damfauo, Mrs. Smith's Italian music master, 
and this is his sisterino. (Lavixia stares from 
one to tlie other) 

Lavinia. (c.) An Italian. Why, I heard them 
both speaking just as good as you can. 

Smith. You're simply mistaken. 

Lavixia. {to Rose) I beg pardon, ma'am, but 
I Avant to set myself right. Didn't you say you 
wouldn't eat in the kitchen? (Rose smiles va- 
cantly) 

Smith. You see you're wrong, so what's the 
use talking about it. Get everything ready to 
bring in, and leave them to me. General, j^ou help 
Lavinia. 

( Gexeral hotcing to Smith, goes to door, doivs to 
Lavixia^ asking her to go first in pantomime. 
Lavinia declines, motions to Gexeral to go 
first and Gexeral exits. Lavixia turns and 
looks at Rose and Bob and then exits.) 

(Smith goes up to door leading to room l.) 

(Rose gets up from chair, goes r. of tahle.) 

Smith, (to Bob) I beg your pardon, Signor, 
but we need this room for a few minutes. Would 
you oblige me by stepping into the other room. 
{indicating room l.) 

Bob. {hack of table) Butta your wifea, she 
tella me to w^aita in dis a one. 

Smith, (l.) That's all right. But I tell you 
to wait in data one. {opens door) 

(Bob passes through door and motions for Rose 
to follow.) 

Bob. (c.) But then I notta getta ! 



V/H\ SMITH LEFT HOME. 69 

^vi'iH (c.) You shall get everything that's 
coming to you. Go right in tliere if you please. 
(Rose crosses in front of Smith into door. Bob 
fakes Rose and leads her l.) Make yourself per- 
fectly at home. You'll find the chairs very com- 
fortable. 

(Smitli closes door, turns and heckons for La- 
vixiA. hwisix enters r. u'?'f/^ tray, folloiced 
h)/ General. Smith indicates chair on l. for 
General. Lavinia places lunch on table. 
Smith occupies chair r. of taUe.) 
Bob. {in room l.) Fiud the chairs very com- 
fortable! As though we could eat chairs! 
Rose. (c. Bus.) I shall cry pretty soon. 
Bob (l.) Don't. Please don't, that would be 
the last straw {emhraces Rose. There is a rattle 
of disfies in den) I heard dishes rattle in there, 
and I smell real food, {tries to look through key- 
hole. Bob places chair close to taUe near door, 
steppinq on tahle, looks through transom over the 
door of den. Smith and General Ivave ]ust 
seated themselves, and are eating) They are eat- 
ing our lunch. 
Rose. What! 

Bob Thev are eating our lunch, {looks again) 
Cold ham! \looks through transom) Sardines! 
(looks towards r. and then through transom agam 
and then at Rose) Cold chicken! {between each 
article Bob describes Rose makes the exclamation, 

'' Oh! '') 

Rose, (l.) Don't. . 

Bob. {looking through transom again) Ohar- 

^RLEl'^^Please don't. (Bob gets down from 

^^BoB. {crossing to Rose) It's a shame— I'll 
never forgive Smith, never ! 



70 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

KosE. Compelled to go hungry on one's wed- 
ding day. This is worse than being stranded with 
an opera company . {sits on sofa l.) 

(Bob looks at Rose then goes determinedly to 
door and raps on it. Smith pantoniimes the 
General to he silent, exchanges glances ivith 
Lavinia and General then pantomimes to 
Lavinia to pnd out who is in the room. She 
replies in pantomime indicating '^ Yes, I tvilU^ 
Lavinl\ goes to door.) 

Lavinia. Who's there? 

Bob. {at door r. of l. room) Signor Damiano ! 

Smith. What do you want? 

Bob. We wanta eatta lunch with you. 

Smith, (r. of table seated) He wants to join 
us. How's that for nerve? 

General, (l. of table seated) I nevaire did 
hear anything like it, nevaire. 

Lavinia. (c.) These foreigners is certainly 
the limit. 

(Bob raps loudly on door, Smith rises, motions 
Lavinia aside, crosses to door, opens door) 

Smith. Young man, what do you think this 
house is — a restaurant. 

Bob. I hava breakfast early dissa morning. 

Smith. I did the same, so there's no advantage 
at the post. 

Bob. But I hava notta eaten sinca den. 

Smith. Neither have I. That's even at the 
half. 

Bob. And I am a hungry. 

Smith. Same here. We're neck and neck in 
the stretch. 

Bob. But I have no food. 



AVHY irfMITH LJjFT HOME. 71 

Smith. I have, so I win. 

(Smith closes door, goes clown to table. General 
reaehes his hand, Smith grasps it and shal'es 
it heartihj. Smith returns, opens door im- 
mediately.) 

Smith. Another thino:, I don't know what 
yon're hangino^ round here for anyway. One 
mio'ht almop.t imagine yon thonght you'd come 
here to stay. 

Rob. We know we notta goins^ to stay. 

S3.11TH. And I know it, too, so take a friendly 
tip, and go back home to mother. 

(Smith slams door again, loeJcs it and sits douvi 
at table. Lavinia exits r. General helping 
Smith to chicken.) 

Bop., (looking at Rose) Go back home to 
mother I 

Rose, (l.) T almost wish I conld. (shows 
symptoms of crying) 

Bob. (l. c. Taking Rose in his arms) Don't 
cry. Rose. Please don't cry. 

Rose. I'll try not to. 

Mrs. B. (r. outside) The idea of sending such 
a girl. It is simply preposterous. 

Bob. (looking astonished) That's aunt. Come 
Rose, she mustn't see me. (Bob and Rose exit 
quickly l. 2) 

(Mrs. S. and ^Irs. B. enter at the same time, 

L. 3 E.) 

Mrs. S. (coming down c.) And had never 
worked anywhere before, and came simply because 
they told her it was an easy place. 



73 WH\ SMITH LEFT HOME. 

Mrs. B. (r.) That should not surprise you. 
She was the average pleasant, intelligent and re- 
liable girl. 

Smltii. (hi (Jen) Well, General, how do you 
like it? 

General. Oh, it is good, it is Yerv good. (The 
General rnal-es an ejaf^nlation as thonf/h Jw had 
hiftein Jits tongue) 

. Bmith. For heaven's sake, keep quiet. You'll 
rpuse tjie whole house. 

General. But niY teeth — niY teeth— they step 
on my tongue. 

::Mrs.jB> (Jisfening, JooJcing towards door. 
Pointing to door of den.) There's some one in 
there. 

Mrs. R. (l.) (aside) Bob and Rose. 

Mrs. B. (r.) Don't you hear a noise, 

Mrs. S. (c.) I- -I didn't think so. 

^Irs. B. (going toicards door Jeading to den, 
Mrh.^, trijing to detain Mrs. B.) Well, I did. 

Mrs. S. Don't go ! Don't ^o ! 

Mrs. B,r ;,(r.,c.) Why not? 

Mrs. S. (c.) Because 1 didn't hear anything, 
and so there ean't be anyone there. 

]\[rs. B. (r.) Then where's the harm in my 
looking? 

Mrs. S^ ;^(c..) But I — I may be mistaken, and 
it might be burglars. 

Mrs, B..i , ; {^\, ■, Qi ) Burglars I 

MRS..^.\,».fc..) ,8Yes. Last night they broke in 
next door and stole everything except the piano, 
the cat, and bird cage. 

(Enter Lavixlv frotn door r. wltJi pJate of hread.) 

: /Mr^-.Bi. ; ((f^.) Did you notify the policeman? 
jpri^MRS. ^ i;'(-c4 nJS^Di You see, he's an awfully 
nice man with a l£irge family, and we didn't want 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 73 

him to get into trouble. Come, Auntie {taking 
Mrs. B. by the arm as if to lead her away) 

Mrs. B. (releasing herself) No, indeed. I am 
going to investigate, (goes to door r., lools 
through keyhole. Lavinia, General and Smith 
pantomiming. Mrs. Smith looks alarmed) 

Mrs. S. Poor Bob, I did tlie best I could. 

(Mrs. B. mounts tahle, looks through transom, 
irhile at the same time Bob and Rose appear 
at door l. 2 and snap fingers to attract Mrs. 
Smith's attention. Mrs. Smith turns and 
sees Bob and Rose. 

Mrs. S. (in undertone) Go back, go back, (to 
Bob and Rose.. They both exit l. 2.) 

(Mrs. B. up on table looks through transom and 
beckons for Marion to come over and see.) 

Mrs. S. Is it burglars? 

Mrs, B. (getting doirn from table) No, it is 
your husband and the General, and they are eat- 
ing. 

Mrs. S. (c.) Eating I 

Mrs. B. Yes, and that cook is waiting on them. 

(Mrs. Smith pushes Mrs. B. np stage and mounts 
table, looks over transom, then motions for 
Mrs. B. to go to the door.) 

Mrs. S. Hush, it's a conspiracy. 

(Smith motions Lavinia to take lunch off, tvhich 
she does through door r. from den.) 

Mrs. B. (to Mrs. S.) What can we do? 
Mrs. S. (above door) Be quiet and overhear 
all we can. 



74 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

(Mrs. *S'. h)ol:s fhroiifjh transom and Mrs. E. 
tliroHfjli Iceyhole.) 

General. And now I will tell yon sonietliin«j 
becanse von are ze good fellow like me and will 
nosings tell like me. 

Smith. Tf it's anything von want kept qniet, 
General, von can depend on me. 

General, (still seated at tal)le) The servants 
are going to give a party here fo-night. 

(Mrs. S. and Mrs. B. looJcinfj at each other.) 

Smith, (l.) Here? 

General. Yes, sure. Ze family go ont, zen say 
have ze honse all to themselves. It is ze good 
sing. 

(Mrs. B. and Mrs. S. look at each other and nod 
their heads.) 

Smith. Yes, (rising) I shonld say it was a 
good thing. 

General, (risiuf/) And I shall be zere. 

(Mrs. B., nodding, indicating ''we understand 
you.") 

S?>iith. Yon? (Both come down in front of 
taUe) 

General. Yes, I have it all feexed wiz zat maid. 

General.. Yes, I have it all feexed wiz zat maid. 
She will be dressed (describes dress) as the night. 
The evening star in the hair. There will be no 
mistake. 

Mrs. S. (looking through transom, then down 
to Mrs. B.) The old villain. We'll see about 
that. 



AVHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 75 

Smitpi. (r. 0.) You promised to go out with 
your wife. 

General, (c. 1)1 front of table) Oh, but I will 
have ze headache! 

Mrs. B. (to Mrs. S.) He little knows what 
a good one it will be. 

General. (to Smith) And you will be zere? 
( 7'ises ) 

Smith. I will be there without fail. 

{Handshakes Bus. for Mrs. Smith and Mrs. B.) 

General. Capital, capital! I knew you were 
one of us after all, even if zat was ze mistake siz 
morning, huh ! 

Smith. You don't seem to believe that. 

General. I, oh — no ! 

Smith. All right. Have it your own way. 

(Mrs. B. goes to c. ^Irs. S. descends from table, 
puts table back.) 

Smith, (aside) I'll see about servants having 
parties in my house. 

Mrs. B. (c.) (to Mrs. S.) You heard? 
Mrs. S. I did. 

Mrs. B. What shall we do now? 
Mrs. S. Confront them. 

[Going to door leading into den, rattles knob three 
times. ) 

Smith, (ivith a look of surprise. To General) 
After turning him down as I did, there's that 
damned Italian again. (Mrs. S. knocks on door. 
Smith goes to door. General up r.) If you don't 
get away from that door, I'll come in there and 
dust the furniture with you. {back to General. 
An exchange of looks of astonishment between 



7(; WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

Mrs. B. und ^Irs. 8. ^[rs. S. Joiocks again) I'll 
soun settle this, {goes hack of taMe, takes off 
coat, rolls up shirt sleeves, indicates to General 
ich<it he will do to the Italian. General encour- 
ages him by saying, " That^s right, put him out 
of the house, etc:' Smith throws door open) 
Confound your impudence, I'll ! 

(^^ecs Mrs. S. and Mrs. B., closes door quickly, 
and motions for General, who takes hold of 
door knoh, holding door closed. At the same 
time Mrs. B. and Mrs. S. try to open the door 
from opposite side.) 

General. Who is it, who is it? 
Smith. Your wife. 
General. M^- wife! 

{Holding door closed. Motions for Smith to take 
his place. Smith makes quick exit laugh- 
ing. R.) 

Mrs. B. {pulling at door, trying to open it) 
General, General ! 

General, [still holding on door-knob) Yes, 
my dear. 

Mrs. B. (still working at door) Open this 
door, I say. Open it immediately ! 

General. I cannot open him, my dear. The 
table is on my feet. 

Mrs. B. {holding the door-knob) What did 
you say? 

General. I say my feet is on top of ze table. 

(Mrs. S. and Mrs. B. with a vigorous; pull open 
door, throwing General into the room and 
doicn L. Mrs. S. holds door open with right 
hand. Looks at General and Mrs. B. Mrs. 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 77 

B ill pantomime threatens the General. At 
thJsame time, L.4Vinia enters door r come, 
tlronSd^^^^ ond enters door letween den and 
1::::nt see. Uns. S. and Mhs. B turns ,«^fc- 
1,1 i,asse.« through door into the den. Mrs 
f Zrhes LAV.iiA's dress in leH Ii<md and 
^le^s door on it. thus holding Lav.n.a 
prisoner. 

CURTAIN. 



ACT III. 

Scene: — Same as Act I. 

(Bob enters r. 2, crosses l. 3.) 

Bob. (r. 2) I wonder where Marion is7 

(E/ifer Mrs. S. from r. 3.) 

Mrs S (coming down c.) Here yon are. 
Rob' (l c) What is left of me. 
M^i' S (c I'm awfnlly sorry, but this ime I 
Ua^ a meal prepared where yon can snrely eat 

^^•'rB'^^'"^)'And'tMs Paradise is. 

rVMlJ^rV^w!:n"^.omp,ai„. Idon't 
.are .^e it i-o long a. U ,.«%>. ^^^^^^^ 

s^KS^^ArtiJSh^"-^:.?^^ 

""Bo'^'a'cT^Oh'wre suspicions of hubby? 
MRS. t ioming R. c.) Not by any means. 



IG*? 



78 WHY SIuITH LEFT HOME. 

Auy wife can tell you that there is a wide differ- 
ence between suspecting one's husband and want- 
ing to know^ what he does. 

BoE. (l. c.) I'll remember that. 

Mrs. S. (c.) To do thoroughly what I wish 
you to do will necessitate your mingling more 
or less with the servants, and going in the kitchen 
will give you a chance to get acquainted. 

Bob. [crossing to Mrs. S.) Then, as I under- 
stand it, you wish us to attend the party, too? 

Mrs. S. (c.) If you are willing. 

Bob. Willing isn't the word. We'll be de- 
iiffhted. 



'fe' 



(Smith appears l. 3.) 

Mrs. S. (kisses him, Smith starts) But then 
you always were the loveliest brother. 

Smith, (aside) Oh ! brother Bob ! 

Bob. (l.) But about Kose? I left her here 
and she seems to have disappeared. 

Mrs. S. (c.) Probably went to look for you. 
Come along, we'll find her and arrange details. 

(Mrs. S. and Bob exeunt r. 3.) 

Smith, (c.) (from 'behind curtain, looking at 
them, coming doicn c.) Oh, that's the brother 
Bob, is it? Why is he there masquerading in a 
band uniform, and Avho is the girl. Something 
for me, to look into. 

(Rose enters r. 2 e., takes sheet of music from 
piano. Sits r.) 

Rose. Why doesn't Bob come back? 

(Sits in chair r. Smith turns and sees Rose. 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. Jl) 

Smith up l. 3 entmnce, looks off, motions 
General to come on. General enters. Smith 
tales him hy the arm, hrlngs him toicards c.) 

Smith. I believe that girl understands Eng- 
lish. 

General, {up c.) No. 

Smith, (c.) I imagine I can prove it. 

Ge n eral. ( c. ) How ? 

Xote: — Smith plai/s this ivhole scene with 'bur- 
lesque seriousness. 

Smith. By a bluff. Help me out. {hoth com- 
ing doivn stage) No wonder yon don't believe 
it, but I saw iiim— saw that Italian music master 
kiss my wife. (Rose smiles) 

General. (crosses l.) Oh, what a villain I 
{going l.) 

Smith, (c.) Do you know what T am going to 
do? I'm going to kill him— (looking at Rose. 
Rose is frightened) 

General, (l.) Yes, zat is right, kill him, kill 
him. 

Smith. I'll kill him so dead that the proverbial 
door-nail will seem as lively as a galvanized jack- 
rabbit. In there (pointing to door l. 2) you 
will find a gun 

General, (l.) A gun! 

Sbiith. a buom — buom gun — (General 
crosses toicards door. Smith follows) bring it 
to me, bring it to me, and I'll give you a magnifi- 
cent illustration of a man booming business for 
the nearest undertaker. (General exits l. 2. 
Smith stveeps up stage. As Smith goes up. Rose 
watches him and rises as if to entreat him, when 
Smith looks at her she drops hack into her chair) 
And to think that it should come to this, that all 



80 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

niY liappinef>:s has been but a dream to be shat- 
tered by this rude awakerxing {(jlanchuj at Rose) 
and that even into my little garden of Eden a ser- 
pent should crawl — {coming doivii c.) Oh, 1 
can't bear it, I can't bear it. (looldng at Rose) 

General, (re-enters l. 2, toith pistol, coming 
to c.) Is zis se one? 

(General hands Smith the pistol, Rose lools 
alarmed — the pistol is a large, old-fashiotied 
one with a doiiMe cock, and as Smith cocks 
it hefore speaking. Rose starts.) 

Smith, (c.) It is not so large as I might have 
wished, but it will do. And now. General, I go to 
perform a sacred duty, to wipe off the earth a 
double-dyed villain who has been contaminating 
its atmosphere too long; my blood boils within 
me, my soul cries out for vengeance, and I'll have 
it, I'll kill him. (starts toward door r.) 

Rose, (rising and catching his hand) But it is 
all a mistake. (Smith and General laugh emdt- 
antly. Rose fearful at having betrayed herself) 

Smith, (r. c. to Rose) Oh, so you not only 
understand English, but you speak it as well. 
Caught, my dear, caught as nicely as could be. 
And now, what does it all mean? 

Rose, (stuttering and embarrassed) He is your 
wife's brother. And having nowhere else to go 
came here. As Mrs. Smith's auntie came also she 
was afraid to tell you about it and so passed us 
off as some one else. (Rose goes to door r.) 

Smith, (turning to General) Two more on 
me. Clear, General ! 

General, (l.) Perfectly, my boy. 

Rose. (r. turns back) What will they think 
of me wiien they know about this? 

Smith, (c.) [going to 'Rose^ -r.) They needn't 
know. I won't tell them. 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 81 

Rose. Won't you? 

Smith. No, I give you my word, and moreover, 
I'll take a-ood care of vou and Bob in the baro-ain. 

Rose. ^Vill you? Do you know, I think I shall 
like vou verv much. 

Smith. {taMng Rose's hand) And I am quite 
sure that Bob lias shown excellent taste in the 
selection of my Avife's sister-in-law. {kisses 
Rose's hand) 

Rose, (r.) Brother John! 

Smith, (r. c.) Sister Rose! (Rose exits r. 2 e. 
Smith rings hell on tahle r., turns to General, 
Jauqhs. General laughs, crosses down extreme R. 
QS Smith goes up to table c, jylaces pistol on 
tahle. To General) Did I carry it through all 
right, General? 

General, (r.) Indeed you did, my boy, indeed 

you did. 

(Enter Elsie r. 3, stands at tahle up c, at Elsie's 
entrance he assumes a semi-tragic pose, rest- 
ing one hand on an upturned hook, delivers 
speech very solemnly.) 

Smith. Elsie, tell Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Billet- 
doux to come here immediately on a matter of 
great importance. 

(Elsie exits r. 3, Smith resumes natural manner, 
comes doivn to General.) 

General, (r.) What are you going to do 

now? .- 

Smith. (c.) I am going to give my wife a 

gentle scare, and incidentally give one to yours 

as well. 

General. Splendid, splendid, but, my boy, you 

need not be too gentle with my wife, (both laugh) 



82 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

{Enter r. 3, Mrs. Billetdoux and Mrs. Smith, 
Mrs. B. preceding Mrs. S. Mrs. B. goes l. 
and sits in chair, Mrs. S. comes down r. to c.) 

Mrs. B. (as she comes on) Elsie said you 
wished to see us. 

Mrs. S. (c. as she comes on) Yes, on a mat- 
ter of great importance, {coming doivn r. to c.) 

Smith, (c.) Elsie's mistaken. The matter is 
verv simple. This morning I kissed your maid. I 
was able to explain. Less than live minutes ago 
I saw you kissed by your music master. I wish 
you to explain. There, that is all. 

Mrs. S. (l. c.) You saw him? 

Smith. (c.) Yes, my dear, I saw him, and 
now for the explanation, please. For, of course, 
you have one. 

Mrs. S. (l. c.) I can explain, John, but don't 
you see — {indicating the presence of Mrs. B. and 
whispering) 

Smith. (c.) Pardon me, but I don't see. 
{imitating Mrs. S.'s gestures and ivhisper) 

Mrs. S. (l. c.) I can explain easily enough, 
John, but not now. 

Smith, (c.) {mocl: seriousness) Let me un- 
derstand the matter, please, {tvinks at General 
R.) I make this assertion in the presence of your 
aunt. You neither deny nor explain it. What am 
1 to infer? 

Mrs. S. (l. c.) Don't be foolish. When you 
understand jon will know I am not in the least 
to blame. 

(Mrs. S. goes up c. to window, stands with t)ac7c 
to audience.) 

Smith, (c.) I know that now, but the blame 
must fall on some one, and I'm going to place it 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. §3 

where it belongs — (to Mrs. B.) and that's on you, 
madam. On 3^011 1 (Smith JooKs at General, tcho 
motions Smith to continue and shotv^ great 
amusement) 

^[rs. B. (l.) (IooJxS Indignantly at Smith) 
On me? 

Smith, (c. of n.) You took into your house- 
liold a young and innocent girl. You were her 
guide, philosopher and friend. You instilled into 
lier mind your ideas and your maxims. She was 
clay in your hands to be moulded as you pleased. 
And what is the result? Before the honeymoon is 
over, yes, even before it has begun, her husband 
.sees her kissed by her music master. And now, 
madam, what defence have you to make? What 
can you say in extenuation of this conduct, the 
responsibility for which rests on you and you 
alone, (triamphanth/ lool-ing at General. Gen- 
eral I'ery much pleased, laughs at the situation, 
Mrs. B. astonished, sinks into chair r. of table l.) 
i gloatingly) Well, madam, have you nothing to 
say, have you no excuse to offer? {shakes hands 
with General c.) 

Mrs. B. (l. in chair ^ looks at Smith, dut 
doesn't see hus. with General) Well, I declare! 
Why should you 

(Jumps to hack of Mrs; B.'s chair and breaks it on 
her.) 

Smith, (l.) How dare you answer me. How 
dare you? {Picture : Mrs. B. in chair looking up 
at Smith completely dumbfounded. Smith at 
her R., left hand on hack of her chair, looking 
down on her. Back again to Mrs. B.) Your 
husband, here-— {going over to General, slaps him 
on hack) Brave man as he is, willing to shed his 
life's blood in your defence when he can do so 



S4 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

wirli Iionor, even he remains silent. (Smith 
nudgiHij General lolth dhow — General veri/ 
pompoushj goes r. saylncf •* Silent/- By this time 
Mrs. Smith has icorked doicn c. without seeing 
htis. hetween Smith and General, so as to meet 
Smith. Smith to ^Irh. S.) You, I hold guilt- 
less, and against you cherish no resentment, but 
you, madam, you I leave alone with j'our hus- 
band, your niece and a conscience which I should 
imagine would haunt you to your grave. (Mrs. B. 
starts, shows disturhed feeling. Smith takes pis- 
tol from taJ)le c. — at the same time, Mrs. S. joins 
Mrs. B., who is seated in chair r. of tahle l. Gen- 
eral watches Smith all through the scene until 
he makes exit) Yes, madam, to your grave. 

{As Saiith exits the General looks at him. waves 
his hand approvingly, turns down stage and 
laughs heartily.) 

Mrs. B. {crossing r. Seeing General laughing, 
rises from chair) General I General I {crosses 
to her R. of chair) 

General, (r., stops laughing, looks at Mrs. B.) 
Yes, my darling, {crosses up behind arm-chair r.) 

Mrs. S. (l. c.) What is the matter with John? 

Mrs. B. (r. c.) That's just what I should like 
to know. But you did right not to deny it. The 
idea of his accusing you of such a thing. 

(Lavinia appears at l. 3, catches General's eye. 
As General sees her, turns, making quick 
exit r.) 

Mrs. S. (l. c.) Absurd, isn't it? 

(Lavinia comes down stage c, with letter in 
hand.) 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 85 

Lavinia. (c. to Mrs. S.) What is the meaning 
of tliis, ma'am? 

Mrs. S. (l.) You can easily ascertain by read- 
ing it. 

Lavinia. (c. reads) " I shall not require your 
services after to-night." {to Mrs. S.) Then I am 
discharged, am I? 

^[rs. S. (l. c.) You are. 

Lavinia. (c.) On what grounds? 

Mrs. B. (r. c.) Details are entirely unneces- 
sary. 

Lavinia. {faces Mrs. B.) In the polite society 
to which I am accustomed, ladies never put in 
their spoke until they are spoken to. Please re- 
member that, Mrs. Busybody. 

^Irs. B. {lool'lng indignantly at Lavinia) 
General! General! {looking surpiised at finding 
General gone) 

Lavinia. {comes down) Being a brave man, 
he skipped out when I stepped in. [waves Mrs. 
B. aside. Mrs. B. goes to u of taMe l. to Mrs. 
S.) Now, ma'am, please tell me why I am dis- 
charged? 

Mrs. S. (l. c.) For what occurred this after- 
noon. 

Lavinia. (r. c.) And what was that? 

Mrs. S. (l.) There is no necessity for any dis- 
cussion. (Mrs. B. comes down l. and Mrs. S. goes 
foMRS. B.) 

Lavinia. {crosses to r.) Oh, there isn't, isn't 
there. We'll soon find out about that. (Lavinia 
rings hell on small table r. of piano. Enter Elsie 
and Julia — Julia l., P^lsie r. 3. Lavinia turns 
and speaks to two servants) By virtue of the au- 
thority vested in me as secretary of the Cook 
Ladies' Union, I declare a strike in this house. 
{looks at Mrs. Smith) Now, is there any neces- 
sitv for a discussion? 



86 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

Mrs. S. [turns and speal'S to servants) And 
am 1 to understand tliat von two refuse to con- 
tinue your duties? (two soraiits stand with 
folded arms defiant! jj, then start as if to speak) 

Lavixia. (up c.) Ladies! Ladies I / am 
spokesman of this committee, (to Mrs. S.) Not 
only will they refuse to do your v>ork, but your 
milkman will not leave you any milk, your ice- 
man will not leave you any ice, your drug clerk 
will not fill up your |>rescriptions, your coachman 
will nej^lect to attend to your horses, and so on, 
etc., etc., ad infinitum, ad valorem. (Lavixia 
folds arms defiantly) 

Mrs. B. (to Mrs. S.) What can you do? 

Mrs. S. (loolcs crushed) Nothing, (then she 
recovers lierself) Lavinia, I have considered this 
matter, and you may remain. 

TiAvixiA. (waring her hands at tiro servants) 
That's all, girls, the strike is off. 

(Julia crosses up l., e.vit l. u, e. Elsie and 
Lavixia exit, Lavixia defiantly, r. 3 e.) 

Mrs. S. (going up stage) What Insolence! 
What insolence! 

(Bell rings.) 

Mrs. B. If I were running this establish- 
ment ! 

Mrs. S. You would be just as powerless as I 
am. This is one of the many beneficent results 
of all being born free and equal. (Exit Mrs. S. 
and Mrs. B.) 

(Enter Julia l. 3, followed hy Couxt.) 

Julia, (crossing r.) Please wait here, sir. 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 87 

Count, (c.) Excuse me, excuse me. Have you 
Kome things heard by me since I from here was 
departured ? 

Julia, (r, c.) Oh, yes, sir, I heard Mr. Smith 
tell his wife a very interesting piece of news. 
Some Avomen are so fortunate. 

Count, (c.) AchI Go way mit youl But 
Mrs. Schmidt. What did she about it say? 

Julia, (r. c.) She said some things certainly 
were beyond the limit of our finite comprehen- 
sions. 

Count. So? Was dat for me in my favor, yes 
or no? 

Julia, (r. c.) She meant that she couldn't 
understand ivJiy you wished to marry Miss Smith. 

Count. (c.) Not understand! Und Miss 
Schmidt mit all dose loveliness ! Ach mein Gott, 
the jealousy of dose womans. {goes down) But 
it is always as it was. 

Julia. Yes, I've noticed that, sir. 

Count, [goes to Julia) Of course, for I can 
see you are a girl dat can much discrimination. 

Julia, (r. c.) Thank you, sir. 

Count, (c.) Und now make haste so quick, 
say to Herr Schmidt dat I wait here mit myself 
to see him alone togedder mit me. 

Julia. I'll hurry, sir. {going up c.) 

Count, {folloioing Julia up c.) Und say to 
Herr Schmidt dat I burn mit impatience — burn 
all up mit him, right from der basement up to der 
roof. 
GAL 26— WHY SMITH LEFT HOME 

Julia, (r, c.) I — I don't understand j^ou, sir. 

Count. What you call dot feeling when things 
so slow do go, what you w'ant so quick to go ! Dot 
feeling which made you burn all up in here — • 
{hand to heart) in here on the inside of the out- 
side. 



88 WHx SMITH LEFT ROME. 

Julia. Oh, you mean impatience? 

Count, (c.) Is da I: him what I mean. Xo? 
Yes? 

Julia. ( r. c.) Yes, sir, impatience. Very well, 
sir, I'll tell him, I'll tell him. (Exit R. 3 e.) 

Count, (coming down stage l.j Oil, I never 
like dis did feel before already, no, sir! All der 
blood Ayhat in my feet should be in und in my 
hands should be in, und in me all over should be 
in, is in my throat in. 

(Enter Smith r. o, going donn r., Count taking 
stage l. Count is standing at tahle l., look- 
ing up stage. V^lien he sees Smith he strikes 
table quiekJji with each hand. Smith is 
standing at R. of chair l., irhen Coi^nt strikes 
table Smith jumps over chair and goes quiek- 
ly to door r. 2. Count rushes over r. in 
great excitement.) 

Count, (to Smith) Speak it out, speak it out 
soon what your sister did say, if you do not want 
to see me mit dot impatience explosion, (crossing 

L.) 

Smith. (r.) I appreciate your feelings. 
Count, in the matter, l^ou need not worry. 
Eyerything is all right, (r. corner) 

Coi'NT. (going to l. c.) Und she Mrs. Countess 
Von Guggenheim will be? 

S^iith. (r.) She will. 

Count, (l. rushing over to Smith, seizing his 
hand and shaking it violentli/) ^Mein friend und 
brudder, mein friend und brudder. I am so 
happy — so happy dat I could sing mit all der 
strongness of my yoice! (turns up stage in 
ecstasy) 

Smith, (r. c. aside) He must be hypnotized. 
Perhaps he thinks she's an heiress, [to Count) 
I suppose you know my sister hasn't any money. 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 89 

Count, {turning and coming down c.) Money, 
wliat do I care for him. We Von Gnggenlieinis 
are rich under vonr Astorbilts nnd your Vander- 
gonlds. 

Smith, (r.) T am very glad to hear it. 

Count, (c. approaching S.aiith) Bnt you by 
me liave been so kind, is dWe one thing more dat 
YOU Avill do? 

Smith, (r. c.) There's nothing I wouldn't do 
to help the good work along. 

Count. .A s I this afternoon to you have told, I 
to-morrow s-ail by me for Berlin. If your sister 
would only— ach, but it could not be— she would 
not do ir,'she would not do it. (goes and sits r. 
of table L.) 

St^iith. Don't you believe she wouldn't. What 
is it? ' ^ ^^ 

Count, [rising excitedly and coming to c.) if 
we could be married by each odder before I go, 
und we could sail away togedder. 

(S:^HTH is up c, Count faces him, little down l. 
As Smith catches the full import of Count's 
speech, he smiles extravagantly.) 

Smith, (up c.) Sail away together. (Count 
nods) To-morrow? 

Count. ( l. ) You have said. 

Smith, (c.) This is too easy! This is too 

easv ! 

Count, {comes down c, facing Smith) You 
by me have been so kind— so good— will you not 
try und arrangement dis as well? {holding out 
his hand) W' ill you? Will you? 

Smith. {going to Count, taking Ms hand) 
. Will I? In a minute, (starting to R. 3) Wait 
here. I'll arrange it and send her to you. 

Count, {follows Smith) But she will not do 
it, she will not do it. 



90 V^HY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

S.AiiTH. (turning) Won't she? You just 
watch whether she will or not. (Exit Smith 
R. 8) 

Count, (coming doirn sftige in rapture) Soon 
she will be here by me imd I will speak mit her 
dose lano^naofe of love. I my arms will put her 
waist around, den I will draw her to me mit der 
oloscf-^t of nearnesses. When she comes I my 
hand will do dis — (placing hand on heart) I by 
myself will do dis — (draws himself up to his full 
height — coming c, gleefully) then I bow to her 
mit all mv grracefulness. (hoirs very low, facing 
R. 3 E.) 

(Mrs. Smith enters r. 3.) 

Mrs. S. Well, that is arranged all right, (going 
to R. c.) 

Count, (l. c, raising his hand, sees Mrs. S. 
aside) She is here, she is here! 

Mrs. S. I beg your pardon, (starts to irith- 
draw R. 3 e.) 

Count. (l. c.) Ach, do not go — (starts 
towards IMrs. S., seizes her hrmd — aside) She is 
here — mein gott — she is here. 

!Mrs. S. (r. c. releasing herself) But we have 
never been introduced, you know, although I un- 
derstand you are soon to be one of the family. 

Count, (c.) Mr. Schmidt, he has told you? 

Mrs. S. (r. c.) Yes. 

Count. And it is all right? 

Mrs. S. (r. c.) Of course. 

Count, (going to Mrs. S. — with great fervor) 
Mein angel ! 

(Count clasps Mrs. S. in his arms and tries to 
kiss her — she struggles, finally releases her- 
self and pushes him to the l.) 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. (Jl 

Mils. kS. ^Vliat do vuii mean hy siioli conliict? 
How dare voii, sir, how dare you take such a 
liberty? {yoing to r.) 

Count, {coining c. ) Is not dis dere place what 
I kiss you here? 

Mrs. S. (hack to r. c.) No, sir, it is not. And 
let me tell you, if Mr. Smith knew what you have 
done, he would take great pleasure in providing 
you with one elegant high-priced marble tomb- 
stone. 

Count, (c.) Tombstone? {approaching Mrs. 
S.) But in Germany, I kiss by you, you kiss by 
me, I your hand do take und put in mine over 
under both togeddei' ! 

Mrs. S. (r. c.) Ah, that may be very proper in 
(lermany, but in this country, all such tokens of 
affection belong to my sister, {take stage r.) 

Count, (c.) By your sister? 

Mrs. y. {coming to r. c.) Of course. And an- 
other thing, it is her hand you must hold, not 
mine. 

Count, (l.) In dis country, I must by your 
sister make love, under her hand hold by me? 

Mrs. S. (c.) Most assuredly. 

Count, {coming down l. — aside) I did not 
know dis country was so dam foolishness I 

Mrs. S. (l. c.) As her consent alone is neces- 
sary, it is into her ears you must pour all your 
protestations of love ! 

Count, {going to up c.) I refuse me to do it, 
I refuse me to do it. 

Mrs. S. (r. c.) Why so? If your course is 
prompted by love — as I am told it is. 

Count, {turning to her) Lofe! In Germany 
I lofe by one hundred, one thousand womans, but 
take all of dose, roll it all up into one togedder, 
und dis time my lofe is one hundred times more 
bigger dan dose was it is — {'becoming demonstra- 



92 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

five) If I conld toid you what is in my heart 
in ! 

Mrs. S. (r. r.) My sister, Count, mv sister. 

Count, (l. c.) I do not like dose sister busi- 
nesses I Yon are der one I lofe 1 

Mrs. R. (r. c, IndUjnantly) Sir! 

Count, (c.) Yon are der one I lofe — so, why 
shonld I to dat old woman explanation. 

Mrs. S. That will do, sir, that will do, I have 
lieard enongh. (</o//i(/ toicard door r. 2) Mr. 
Smith shall learn of this. (Exii r. 2. Count 
r/Gcs do ten l.) 

(Enter Miss Smith r. 3.) 

Miss S. ConntI {hiding hehind curia ins — pic- 
ture) 

Count, {turns and sees Miss Smith, aside) 
Der old woman ! 

Miss S. {comes dotvn c.) I feel so embar- 
rassed. I never was in snch a position before. 

Count, (l. c.) I never was like dis situation 
eider. 

Miss S. (c.) To meet yon for the first time 
under snch circumstances, knowing that yon are 
going to make a declaration of affection, and 
knowing also that the heart to which yon speak 
beats in perfect nnison with yonr own, it is but 
natural I suppose that I should experience a feel- 
ing of perturbation, not unmixed, I will admit, 
with a sense of ecstatic exhilaration and raptur- 
ous diffidence. 

Count. (l. c, aside) I never heard such 
speaking. 

Miss S. {turning her hack to Count and hold- 
ing out her hand) Haven't you anything to say 
to me? 

Count, {seeing her outstretched hand indi- 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 93 

cates his oivn) She knows about him! She 
knows, [comes over to Miss S. and takes Iter 
hand) I asked me Mr. Schmidt. 

Miss S. (c.) Ah, but you haven't asked me. 

Count, (l. c.) I do him now. Do you gif me 
my consent? No I Yes I 

Miss S. I do. (throivs her head on Count's 
shoulder, takes his arm and putting it around her 
own icaist, pursing up her mouth to kiss him. 
Count hesitates, looking disappointed) Don't 
you know what to do now? 

Count. Not in dis country. (Miss S. purses 
up her mouth again. Count turns, looks at her 
a moment and turns away. Aside) For her sis- 
ter, [then kisses her and walks rapidly to l. cor.) 

( Major apjyeais in door l. 3 e., i)i time to see the 
Count kiss Miss Smith, shores rage and exits 
L. 3.) 

^Iiss S. Now we will consider everything ar- 
ranged, and I'll be ready to sail with you to- 
morrow, {going up stage towards r. 3 e.) 

Count. You v/ill leave by me to-morrow? 

Miss S. Yes. 

Count. (aside) Some more of dose sister 
businesses. 

Miss S. [up stage) But I must ask you to 
excuse me now, I have so much to do to get every- 
thing in readiness, but I Avill be prepared to see 
you at ten o'clock. I am sure we Avill be very 
happy, [sighs, exits n. 3) 

Count, (goes up and looks after her) ^Ye will 
be happy. I do not tliink she will by me be happy 
a long time yet. {starts to l. 3 e., meets the Major, 
who enters. To Major) Excuse me, but I wish 
out by here to go. 

Major, (coming down c.) A word with you, 
sir I 



94 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

Count, (r. c.) No, yes I 

Major. So, sir, I have found von, have I? 

Count, (r.) No, sir. How could you find me 
when I did not lose me mvself? 

^Ia-ior. {adranciiig towiwds Count) You are 
the man who has robbed me of her love, [ponifinc] 
to n. 8 E. and ref erring to Miss Smith) 

Count, (c.) You must think my brain is full 
of eraziness. 

Major, (l. c.) But damme, sir, I saw you 
vrith your arm around her waist. 

Count. Dat was for her sister. 

Major. Indeed, sir, indeed. I also saw you 
kiss her. Perhaps that was for her grandmother. 

Cot NT. (c.) Now I am in der grandmudder 
])usiness. 

Major, (l. c.) I repeat, sir, yon are the man 
who has robbed me of her love. 

Count, (c.) I told you once more again, you 
are mistaken. 

Major, (starting l.) You equivocate, sir, you 
equivocate. (tuDis toward Count) You could not 
help loving her, I have loved her since she was a 
baby. 

Count, (c.) You have lofed by her since she 
a baby was? 

Major, (going c. /o Count) Yes, sir, I have 
sir, and until this afternoon, I had every reason 
to believe that my love was returned. 

Count. Hush ! Do not speak him so loud. If 
Mr. Schmidt was to know about dat he would for 
you buy one marble tombstone. 

Major. But Mr. Smith does know, and he ap- 
proves, sir! {starts up stage) 

Count. One moment. (Major stops) You 
lofe by her, she lofe by you, and Mr. Schmidt 
he approves. No ! Yes ! 

Major, {coming dotvn to Count) Yes, sir, he 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. ,95 

does. And now, once for all, have yon any objec- 
tions? 

Count, No, sir I If Mr. Schmidt is satisfied, 
vat is the use. {smiles and starts up stage) Und 
now dat is all fixed T will 00 back by me to mv 
hotel and den I ! 

Major. Don't moye, sir, don't move. 

(Count eomes doini c. to ^Ma.tor, Enter P.^irrn 
R. 2, goes c. to Count.) 

R:mith. Don't moye, sir, don't moye. (pieture) 
Cross Count. Cross Smith. Cross Major. 

(Smith and Major pointing to Count.) 

Count, (c.) Now I am in the movino- business. 

Smith, (r. c.) So, sir, yon came here think- 
ing to make loye to my wife, did yon? 

Count, (c.) No, sir. What for I should? 1 
haye seen the front side of her face. 

Smith, (r. c.) What do you mean by that? 

Count. Why should I by your wife lofe be 
makino^, when I can der same do by your beautiful 
sister? (Smith sits in chair r, and shoivs amuse- 
ment) 

Major, (l.) So, sir, you do love his sister. 

Count, (c.) (irapatiently) Did I not told 
you. Did T not told you, Mein Gott in Himmil. 
Don't you not understand der English language? 

Major, (l. c.) Yes, sir, I do. You are the 
man T want, you are the man who has robbed me 
of her loye. 

Count, (c, angrily) I refuse mit you to con- 
versation, {turns and starts up stage. Turns 
hack to Major) You make me so mad by you dat 
in one moment I — I — call you one lump of foolish- 
ness. 



96 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

Major, (l. threateningly) Be careful, sir, be 
careful. 

Count, (c.) What for of you should I be care- 
ful? You cannot frighten me mit your bluffinos. 
(goes to S^[ith) Dis man he insult me; so I will 
told you — T lofe your sister, dat is all right it is. 
\m[ Ve — he lofe your wife, dat is ?ill righ.t not, it is. 
(Smith jumping up from chair) 

Smith and Major. Eh I What I 

Count, (c.) He lofe your wife und say you 
approve mit it. Ach, if anybody by me say dat, 
I would take his head my hands between und twist 
■ it round und round und round, (goes up stage) 

Smith, (crosses to l. to ^Iajor) Major Dun- 
combe, did you say that? 

Major, (indigjwnth/) No, sir, I did not. 

Count. (d. r., dropping down on Smith's 
right) He say he lofe by her since she a baby 
was. Und now, go on, buy him der tombstone, 
buy him der tombstone. 

Smith, (l. c.) If I thought you did 

Major, (l. corner) Well, sir, what then? 

Smith. I'd break every bone in your body. 

Count, (c. on Smith's r. urging him on) Go 
on. Break it, break it. 

(Takes r. corner. Miss Smith, Mrs. Smith enters 
R. 3.) 

Major, (l.) You insult me by thinking such a 
thing. 

Smith, (in an angry tone) Vm not so sure 
of that. 

Major, (l., same tone) Ah, but I am, sir. 

Smith, (l, c.) I am not, sir. 

(Mrs. S. going to Smith.) 
Mrs. S. (l. c.) John, what is the matter? 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. J)7 

Major. (cross big to Count k.) 1 will tell 
what is the matter. I am ^oin^- to t^hrash this 
interloper within an inch of his life. 

Count, (r, cor.) And while him von do dat, 
I will be doing' irhaf at dose momenta? 

Major. We'll ^*ee what you'll be doiiij^, sir, 
we'll see. (starts up c.) 

Count, (r.) Don't you think yon can me make 
afraid. I am a Yon Guggenheim. (wheeliug 
around) 

Miss S. (coming <Unrn hctwcen Count and 
Major) Stand back. Major Duncombe, stand back. 
Have no fear, Count, I am here to defend you. 
(putting her arms around Count's neck) 

Count, (crosses c.) (extricating himself from 
Miss Smith's emhrace and crossing over to c.) 1 
do not want me mit your defenments. Leave me 
alone mit myself, and your arms tie around by 
your husband, (indicating Smith, 'trho is in l. 
corner) 

All. Her husband? 

Miss S. My husband? 

Smith, (l. corner) I am not her husband. 

Mrs. S. (l. c.) I am Mrs. Smith. 

Count, (c.) Vat you are? 

Mrs. S. (l. c.) I am Mrs. Smith. 

Count. Den w^ho is my beautiful Miss Smith? 

Smith and Mrs. S. (l. and l. c.) She, of 
course. 

Miss S. (r. corner) I am, to be sure. 

Count, (c, indicating Mrs. S.) Mrs. Schmidt 
(pointing to Miss Smith) Miss Schmidt — Lieber 
Gott, T have made them twisted ! 

Miss S. (r. corner) Yes, Count, I am jour 
bride that is to be. 

Smith and Mrs. S. Certainly she is. 

Count, (c.) I can explanation. I see two 
ladies walking on the street with one anudder side 



{)S WH\ SMITH LEFT HOME. 

by each. Meiii friend, lie told me they was Mrs. 
und Miss Kcliniidt, so what do I think. Dat you 
was Miss b^i'hmidl {p(/i)ifing to Mrs. Smith) and 
dat yon {pointing to Miss Smith) was Mrs. 
Schmidt. Do yon not see, what else conld I con- 
clusion? 

Mr. and Mrs. S. Then yon thought 

Ma.jor. (r. c.) And you mean ! 

Count. One moment, {goes over to Mr. and 
Mrs. Smith l. icitli hack to audience, joins their 
hands) Mein friend and brudder, I by you gife 
up your wife. (rifsJics over to Ma.jor and Miss 
Smith r. hack to audience, joins their hands) He 
haf lofed init yon since you a baby was, und I 
by you gife u]) your husband, (goes hack to c.) 
By myself I gife up great thankfnlnes?;^ {hoics to 
all) und by all of you I gife up good evening. 
(Exits hurriedly l. 3) 

[The two couples stand hand in hand looking 
dumbfounded for a few seconds. Mr. and 
Mrs. Smith smile — the Major looks emhar- 
rassed. ^Iiss S. shows signs of crying. Mrs. 
S. laughs suppressedly. Mr. Smith also 
laughs. Miss S. looks up at Major as if ahout 
to cry.) 

Miss S. (r. corner) Major! 

(r. c. Bus. of Major puffs out cheeks looks 
straight ahead.) 

Miss S. [withdrawing hand from Major) 
Major I 

(Exits R. 2. Major looks at Miss S., expands 
chest, marches up stage with a military step, 
exits R. 3 E. Mr. and Mrs. Smith laugh out- 
right.) 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 99 

Mrs. S. (c.) He tlioiiglit I was Miss Smith. 
ifjoififj to c. JaiKjhUig) 

Smith. ( l. r.) And he wanted to marry you — 
{IdiKjlis) and he wanted to marry yon. 

Mits. S. (c.) I don't see anything fnnny abont 
that. 

Saiith. (c.) Don't yon? Well, I do. 

Mrs. S. Well, I don't. 

(:Mrs. B. rnfcrs r. :^, carrying opera cloaks.) 

:Mrs. B. It's time we were going. 

Smith. All right. A>s, that's what I thought 
this morning, (crossing R.) I'll just give a part- 
ing pat to my hair, and I'll be back in a minute. 
(turns) Aiirevoir, Miss Smith. Wanted to marry 
yon I No — Yes? (Exits r.e.) 

Mrs. B. (c. coming down c.) You seem very 
t'riendlv. 

Mrs." S. (l. c.) To tell yon tlie truth, auntie, 
I can't think John has been flirting with that 
oii^l — but I wish to convince myself just the same. 

Mrs. B. (c.) How can you do it? 

Mrs. S. (l. c.) Easily enough. As soon as 1 
lieard of this party here, I hurried to the cos- 
tumer's Avhere I found sometliing very suitable for 
myself, and by paying double prices, I was able 
to have a costume hurriedly made to order for 
you. Both are now at Mrs. Flyer's awaiting our 
arrival. 

Mrs. B. (c.) Then the idea is for us to change 
at Mrs. Flyer's, come back here and watch for 
our husbands without their knowing anything 
about it? 

Mrs. S. (l.) Exactly. 

Mrs. B. (c.) What are our costumes like? 

Mrs. S. (l!) Mine is the Queen of Hearts, 
while yours is the exact duplicate of that which 
mv maid is to wear. 



IIMI VrHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

Miis. I>. (c.) But tlie General may mistake 
me for her. 

Mrs. S. I slioTild tliiiik that an excellent idea 
if I were in your place. 

Mrs. B. (("., (jo'uig towards Mrs. S.) Now I 
understand. You do me credit, mv dear, you do 
me credit. 

( (texeral enters r. 3 e. Be has a haiulkerehief 
tied around his head, and his face wears a 
rery icae-hef/one expression. ^Irs. S. draws 
Mrs. B.'s attention to the General.) 

Mrs. S. (l. apart to Mrs. B. ) Isn't he a pic- 
ture? (looking at General) 

Mrs. B. (l. c.) {nudging Mrs. S.) What is 
the matter. Pet? 

General, {going towards chair r.) Oh, my 
liead, my head, (seated) I am so sick, I am so 
sick. 

Mrs. S. (aside, to Mrs. B.) Doesn't he do it 
well. 

Mrs. B. (to General — looking at ^Marion and 
then at General) I am so sorry, love! 

General. It was all right until a minute ago — 
and zen it began to ache so much, so much. 

(Smith enters. r. 2 with hat and coat.) 
Smith, (r.) Hello, what's the matter? 

(General and Smith exchange looks.) 

Mrs. S. (l. corner) The General has a most 
severe headache. 

Mrs. B. (l. c. to Smith) Most severe. 

Smith, (crosses to c. crossing to l. of chair) 
Oh, yes, he mentioned it this morning. It's been 
coming on all day. 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 101 

(tEneral. (u. corner pulling Smith's co«f) No, 
IK), no. Just this ininnte. Just this minute. 

(Mrs. B. iind Mrs. S. c.ichange glances.) 

(S^iiTH showing consternation, goes up stage and 
puts hat and coat on chair.) 

Mrs. B. (crosses R., crossing hack of General's 
chair) This is where the pain is {pulling hair) 
isn't ii, you poor dear? 

General. Yes. Zat is ze place. 

Mrs. S. (crossing to General's l. side of^ chair) 
And here, too, with shooting pains occasionally. 
{at the same time pinching with her fingers side 
of General's head) 

General. Yes, that is it. Ze shooting pains, ze 
shooting pains. 

Mrs. B. (crossing l. to Siirrn) See how per- 
fectly we understand the General. 

Smith, (c.) Oh, it isn't the headache that is 
bothering the General. It is the fact that he can- 
not go with YOU to Mrs. Flyers this eYening. That 
is Vnat is breaking your heart, isn't it, General? 

General. (stUl^ seated, very much surprised 
and pleased) Yes, that just breaks my heart. 

(Smith goes up stage to table.) 

Mrs. S. (r. c.) Then we'll stay home and nurse 

General. (r., rising quickly, goes down r., 
turns to Mrs. Smith) Not at all, not at all. I 
am seek enougli to keep me at home, but not seek 
enough to keep you. 

Mrs. B. (l. c. to General) Are you sure you 
won't be lonesome? 

General, (r.) I am quite sure. 



l{)2 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

Mrs. 8. (r. c.) Then we'll take you at your 
v,'oid. Come, Auntie. (Mrs. S. and Mrs. B. go 
lip c. Smith puts on (leaks of both ladles, Mrs. 
B.'s upside dotcn) Come, Auntie. ( going towards 
L. 3 E.) We are very sorry, aren't we, Auntie? 

^[rs. B. Yes, very, very sorry. 

Mrs. B. and Mrs. S. Dear, dear General. 

(Mrs. B. and Mrs. S. e.rit l. 3.) 

Smith, (taking coat and hat in liand, meets 
General c. up stage) Everythino- all rif,dit? 

General. Everything is beautiful, and you v/ill 
come ? 

Smith. T will be here without fail. (aside, 
going toward l. 3) I'll stop such proceedings in 
my house. (Exits l. 3) 

General. (follotcing Smith looks off l. 3) 
They have gone, they have gone I Bravo I Bravo I 

(General takes handkerchief from head, starts to 
dance down stage r. and hack again to c. 
where he meets Mrs. S. and Mrs. B. who have 
entered from l. 3 e. having seen him dance. 
Picture: The General commences to groan 
as if suffering from headache. Mrs. S. c. 
General goes r. to chair, Mrs. S. folloioing.) 

Mrs. S. (c.) What's the matter, General? 
General, (r.) Oh, my head, my head, such a 
headache — oh dear, oh dear. 

Mrs. B. (l. c.) But you were dancing? 

(Smith apjyears at door l. 3 and catches Gen- 
eral's eye.) 

General, (falling into chair) With the pain, 
my dear, wiz ze pain. 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 103 

Mrs. S. (c.) That stiijiid Thomas hadn't the 
carriage round. I snppose it is ready now, but 
I really think we had better stay home and nurse 
you. 

(texkral. (rising quicJdy from chair and turn- 
ing to Mrs. S.) And keep you from Madam 
Flyer's? Nevairel Xevairel 

Mrs. S. (r.) We thoroughly appreciate your 
consideration. Be good to yourself, General. 

General, (r. c.) I will, I will. 

Mrs. B< (going up c.) ^Ye should hate to have 
anything liappen to you, General, before we get 
back. 

^Irs. S. Indeed we should 

Mrs. S. and Mrs. B. Before we get back. 

(Exit Mrs. S. and Mrs. B. l. 3.) 

General, (going qnicldii to l. 3 watching them 
off) Zis time eet is all right. 

(Julia enters, comes doivn c. meets General.) 

Julia, (r.) Have they gone. General? 

General, (l. c.) Yes, zey have gone. 

Julia, (r.) Then I'll call the others. 

General, (l.) But I have no mask. 

Julia, (crosses r. 3) Oh, that doesn't matter, 
I told them you would be here. We are not going 
to mask until later, (going to r, 3) Come in, 
girls, everything is all right. 

[At the same time General goes down l. to ex- 
treme corner.' Enter Elsie, Rose, Bob, Major 
from R. 3 chatting and laughing.) 

General, (l. to Julia) But are zere not going 
to be any ozzers? 



104 WH\ SMITH LEFT HOME. 

Julia, ( l. c.) Tliev won't be here for an hour 
or so. We didn't know what time the family 
would leave. 

(Major and IClsie up stacje at table c. Rose and 
Eoii doivn stage at R. of ehair.) 

Rose, (seated r.) Where's Lavinia? 
All. Yes, where is Lavinia? 

( Lavixlv enters r. 3, sir-eeps dcirn c, taJcinf/ full 
stage and standing c.) 

Lavinlv. (c.) Don't you worry about Lavinia, 
she's right in line, (speaking as she eomes doicn 
stage) How do vou like them, girls? 

Girls. Splendid ! Lovely ! 

Lavinia. (c.) First time I've had 'em on. 1 
feel so dressed up T don't know what to do with 
myself — I Avant you to look at the material. 
(Bus. girls all go down stage and examine Lav- 
inia's dress. General ivalks up haek of table l.) 
Those little tails is real ermine — the man in the 
store told me so. A great bargain, a great bar- 
gain. Paid 78 cents, marked down from |4.99. 

(Girls go back to position. Elsie goes doicn left 
and sits in ehair l. Rose and Julia back to 
their old position.) 

BoF.. You don't say so. 

Lavinia. (c.) I do say so. I ought to know, 
I paid for them. Paid for my crown, too, and 1 
think I've been done, it feels as though I had only 
half a portion, (all laugh) 

Major. (l. coniing down behind chair r. of 
table L.) Why, the crown is all right, Lavinia. 

All. The crown is all right! 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 105 

Lavinia. (c.) Fine clothes makes a Leap o' 
difference. ^Yitli these on I feel every inch a 
queen, 

Julia, (l. c.) But what shall we do until the 
others come? 

All. {ujy) Yes, what shall we do? 

Lavinia. (c.) Go right on o' course. 

All. Good! Good! 

Lavinia. (c.) But first of all T want to call 
your attention to a new rale I am going to intro- 
duce before the executive committee at the next 
meeting. 

All. a nciv rule, (all stand up) 

Lavinia. (c.) Yes, and this is it. No cook 
lady shall work for any other lady unless the said 
lady can produce a certificate of character from 
the cook lady who has just left showing that the 
said lady is a fit person for the cook lady to asso 
ciate with, without losing any of that high stand- 
ing in societv to which a cook ladv is entitled by 
the nature of her job. 

All. Splendid! Splendid! Fine! 

Lavinia. (c.) This is a most important rule. 
A cook lady without a character is like a balloon. 
And why is a cook lady without a character like 
a balloon — because she's no good on earth. I am 
glad it meets with your distinguished approba- 
tion. As chairman of the entertainment commit- 
tee, I calls this meeting to order. 

(7/ song is used, at the end of the song, all ap- 
plaud — tliey encore Elsie ivlio comes up stage 
c.) {Enter Miss Smith from r. 3. At same 
time, all come to c. and congratulate Elsie.) 

Miss S. {coming down stage) What is the 
meaning of this? What is the meaning of this? 

(Enter Mrs. S. and Mrs. B. l. 3 e.) 



lOG WHY SMITH LEFT HOMxJ. 

}.[rs. H. (///) staije c.) Did you hear that. Our 
husbauds are in there. 

Mus. B. {up L. c.) What shame! 

Mrs. S. (c. up) It's worse. It's a disgrace. 
But we'll show them that they can't deceive us 
with impunity. Let us join them and see what 
they are doing. (Jaurjh. Mrs. B. and Mrs. S. 
start for r. 3. Mrs. S. stops Mrs. B.) No! John 
is cominc^! Go that way! (pointing to l. 3 e.) 

Mrs. B. (l. up) What are you going to do? 

(Mrs. B. tal'cs cloal' and puts it on chair up 
stage l.) 

Mrs. S. (up) Go in there, (pointing to l. 3 e.) 

Mrs. B. (up) What are you going to do? 

Mrs. S. Find out several things. Among others 
if that teas a mistake this morning, and if he 
will flirt with me not knowing who I am. 

Mrs. B. a splendid idea. Of course he will. 
(Exit L. 3 E.) 

(Mrs. S. stands in ivindoiv hack c, hack to audi- 
ence — throws off cloak as Smith conies 
down. Enter Smith r. 3 masked.) 

Smith, (speaking as he comes on down.) They 
are in there drinking my wine. l]>rinking my wine, 
helping themselves. But I'll soon put a stop to 
this, (turns and goes towards d. r. 3 intercepted 
hy Mrs, S. who is masked. To Mrs. S.) Hello! 
What is your little game? 

Mrs. S. (c.) I wish to get acquainted wiz you. 
(in French dialect) 

Smith. (l.) Excuse me, not this evening. 
(motions her aside) 

Mrs. S. (c.) Ah, but I have been — how you 
say it? Oh, yes — I have been keeping my eye on 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 107 

you, and your face — so handsome, and your phy- 
sique — so magnificent — zey have made me want to 
know you ever so much hetter — oh, ever so much 
better. 

SAirrH. (to R. of chair r. of table l.) Then let 
me tel] you that the Avish does not awaken in my 
breast that spontaneous reciprocity which is — 
no — in other words, you have got the wrong man. 
(crosmng to table l.) 

Mrs. S. (l. c.) Zat could not be possible. Mon- 
sieur, for I have seen you often and I recognize 
you. 

Smfph. (irith masJx on still) OJi, no, you 
don't. 

Mrs. S. (l. c.) Pardon, Monsieur, but I do. 
You are Mr. Smith, ze master of this house, (going 
to c.) 

S^iiTH. (L. removing mask — looks at it, put- 
ting fingers through eyes of mash. Going to c. 
aside) I knew that was a cheap one. (to Mrs. 
S.) How did you know that? 

Mrs. S. (c.) Oh, I know many things you 
don't zink I know. For instance, you kissed Mad- 
am's maid this morning. 

Smith, (l. c.) ^ou know about that, too. 

Mrs. S. (c.) Everybody will know it to- 
morrow. Ze Cook Ladies' Union are going — what 
A'ou say — oh, jes, are going to investigate it, and 
I am on the committee. 

SMrrH. (going to Mrs. S. c.) I want to de- 
clare myself right here. That matter has gone 
far enough. Imagine how my wife would feel if 
she knew this was common talk. 

Mrs. S. (r. c.) Ah! Why should Monsieur 
care how Madam feel. Julia is very pretty. 

SMrrn. (c.) What if she is. There is only one 
woman in this world for me — (turning back to 
Mrs. S.) and that is my wife. 



lOS WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

( ?»Iks. S. stai'ts toirards Mr. S. thru ehecJ:s her- 
self.) 

Mrs. 8. (R.) Pardon, Monsieur, bill if that is 
HO, why did you flirt with Madam's maid? 

S^iiTH. ir. ) T dU\ not flirt with her, I'd 
liardly spoken to the girl. I mistook her for my 
Avife. 

^Frs. 8. (c.) And yon are not even fond of 
Jnlia? Not ze least little bit? 

Smith, (l. c.) She is no more to me than a 
statne in the library. 

Mrs. S. (r. c.) And yon really love yonr 
wife? 

Smith, (l. c.) Love her I I adore her I (l)acJc 
to Mrs. S.) 

3[rs. S. (c. impulsively, strikes Smith on hacJCy 
exclaiming in a natural tone) Oh, — John! 

(Smith falls against table, recovering himself and 
recognizing the tone — lools around for his 
wife. Mrs. Smith afraid of discovery goes 
center and again assumes character of maid.) 

^Irs. S. (r.) Pardon, monsieur, pardon. 

Smith, (c.) Of course I do, and I'd give any- 
thing in the world rather than have her know this 
silly story is floating about. 

Mrs. S. (r.) And if I could stop it. 

Smith, (c.) You could just about name your 
own terms. 

Mrs. S. Zen I sink I can. 

Smith, (c.) How? 

Mrs. S. You wait here, and I will return and 
ex})lain. {going to door r. 2) 

Smith, {sitting in chair r. of tal)le l.) And 
remember if you do, you can count me your friend 
for life. 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 109 

Mrs. S. (at door r. 2) I will remember, Mon- 
sieur, I will remember. He loves me, he loves 
me. I knew it all the time. Dear, old John ! 

(S:\nTH looks round at her, and she makes hur- 
ried exit R.) 

Smith, (rising) That sonnded like my wife's 
voice? (looks around, sits in chair, takes up 
l)Ook, pause) She asked me to wait here and she 
will return and explain — she will return and — 
(rising, going to exit r. 3) Oh, no — it may be 
another one of those five-hundred-dollar maids. 
(Exit R. 3) 

(Mrs. B. entering hurriedly from l. 3 comes down 
center.) 

Mrs. B. (c.) My husband caught a glimpse of 
me and mistaking me for that wretched maid, is 
following me. I'll make it interesting for him. 

(Sits in chair r. of table l. puts on mask. General 
enters from l. 3 e. doiim c, looks about, sees 
Mrs. B., mistakes her for the maid.) 

General, (c.) Most lofely and most beautiful, 
T see zat you are here. 

Mrs. B. (charitable) Oh, yes, I am here. 
(imitating maid) But what would your wife say 
if she knew of this ? 

General, (l. c, verp much annoyed) Why 
speak of her at this happy time. Let us talk of 
something more pleasant. Zat kiss you promised 
me this morning. 

Mrs. B. But you have no business to kiss me. 

General. My dear girl, I do not kiss you for 
business. I kiss you for pleasure. 



110 WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. 

Mrs. B. [angrily, asUle) I will catch him in 
I lie act. [to General) Well, General, as I have 
l-roniised you a kiss, you may take it. 

(General advancing to Mrs. B. heads over and 
kisses her,) 

General. What happiness! [Enter Julia r. 
3 E. in time to see General Iciss Mrs. B.) Who 
are you? [to Mrs. B.) 

Mrs. B. Your Avife. Xoav, Avhat haA^e you to 
say for j^ourself ? 

General, (l. c.) Nothing. I am deaf and 
dumb. 

Mrs. B. (l.) But I am not, I know all, see. 
You shall pay dearly for this. We leave this 
Iiouse now^, this very instant, not another minute 
do we ^tsij. Understand me, sir, not another 
minute. 

Lavinia. (r. 2) No fighting here, no fighting 
liere. Oh, it's Mrs. Billetdoux ! 

Mrs. B. Who understands thoroughly what is 
going on and who leaves to-night, [to Mrs. S. 
xvJio enters r. 3) Well, what have you learned? 

Mrs. S. (r.) I have learned. Auntie, that John 
loves me, and me, alone. 

Mrs. B. [crosses c.) And I've learned enough 
to make me determined never to trust my husband 
from my sight again. 

General, (l. c:) I am sorry for me. (Smith 
enters r. 3) 

Mrs. B. And to take him out of temptation's 
way T shall depart immediately, General. 

(Elsie enters r. 3, joined ty Julia. Mr. S. c. 
Enter Bob and Rose, arm in arm, r. 2 e., see- 
ing Mr. and Mrs. S. starts hack.) 

Smith. (c.) Don't worry, everything is all 
right, Bob. 



WHY SMITH LEFT HOME. Ill 

{ Lively V.V.) 

Mrs S (l. r.) And you knew? 

Smith (r.) Oovtainly. {to Bob and Rose) 
Yon can stav right here and the party may go on 
to the end.' (to Mrs. S.) Marion, our honey- 
moon has been delayed too long and we'll start 
on it right away. 

Mrs. S. {crossinr/ ^to Uose— enter Major, Miss 
S.) But I can t go in this dress. . ^ 

S^^riTH Of course von can. Lavinia, bring Mrs. 
Smith's cloak. Julia, pack Mrs. Smith's trunks 
and send them to the Waldorf. Elsie, order the 
carrias^e immediately. 

All^ Are you really going to leave home? 

Smith Yes. for a time at least, and if anyone 
should ask why I left home, tell them it is 
because I am in love with my wife. (Smith and 
Mrs. Smith ea^it l. 3.— Forte) So long, Bob, ta- 
l^a. Major. Good-bye, everybody. 

(AU good-lyes, etc.) 

QUICK CURTAIN. 



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LBAp'l2 



>4^^ 



Why Smith Left Home 



lEORGE H. BROADHURST 




SAMUEL FRENCH, 28-30 West 38th St., New Y 



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